23 Freaking Miles

That's how far I rode on Sunday. My husband and I participated in the "Spring Chicken Ride" held in Bu-fu, Illinois. It was such a nice day. We got up early, donned our maxi-pants and bike gear, loaded it all into the car, and drove an hour into corn country. When we arrived the place was crawling with bike enthusiasts. I've never seen so many people who all looked the same so excited about physical exercise.

We paid our fee and prepared to start the ride. I made sure to go to the bathroom beforehand because there was nothing but open, flat land from start to finish. My chain fell off my bike before we got started. My husband put it back on, but just as we started riding it locked up on me. I should have seen the signs, they were right in front of my face, but I ignored them and went forward.

The first half of the ride was pleasant. I got a little winded in the beginning, but once I found my rhythm I could actually breath and take in the scenery. I was wearing my camel back, a backpack that holds a lot of Gatoraide with a "straw" right near my mouth, and drinking pretty well. People passed us, we passed others, it was nice. I asked my husband how far we'd gone and he said "about 8 miles." Hey, that wasn't so bad. Maybe I could learn to like this.

Uh-huh.

We made it to the first stopping point and took a break. My husband introduced me to Gu. It's an energy....well, it's the consistency of snot, really. I had orange snot while Hubby had chocolate. We washed it down with water and got back on the road. Here we encountered a huge gradual incline that made my legs burn, but the rewarding downhill coast was pleasant.

Then my body said "screw it, you're on your own." I asked my husband how far we had come. "About 13 miles." Great, more than half way. I could hang on. We turned onto a road that looked flat, but it was another gradual incline that required constant peddling. About then any body part touching my seat went numb. My wrists and arms started getting stiff. My legs kept pumping up and down, but it was only because my feet were locked in.

Another two miles and all humor left. Hadn't we reached the top of this damn incline already? How can a road keep going up and up? Where the hell was my husband? Oh, he was that orange dot waaaaaaaay ahead of me. I'm sucking on my camel back like it's oxygen. I have snot coming out of my nose and my eyes are starting to water. Those body parts touching the seat have gone from numb to on fire. And why are we still going up!?

I...can't...keep...going...on. I'm trying to go as fast as I can, but a toddler could waddle past me. 18 miles, almost there. The hurricane-like head wind isn't helping, either. By my calculations, we should be ending this damn ride soon, but all I see is open farmland and all those perky, colorful riders. I've come to hate them all. 21 miles. Another two miles and all I can see are the hateful pink dots painted on the road telling me I'm still going in the right direction. I catch up to my husband and he tells me, "less than a mile, honey."

My husband needs a SERIOUS distance class, because less than a mile turned out to be three more. We passed by the town diner and the smell of fried chicken nearly made me hurl. We finally got to the car. I tossed my bike on the grass with every intention of leaving it there. My legs were rubber, my arms and ass were on fire, and I couldn't stop hyperventalting. The only thing that stopped was the mantra "Who do I kill to make this stop," that had been going through my head for the last half hour. By my calculations, we rode 28 miles and someone, SOMEONE was going to pay for it.

Then my husband tells me that he lied to me. When I asked him how far we had gone, he tacked a few more miles onto the number. I don't know what the hell he was thinking. All he did was give me false hope that the ride would be over sooner than it was. I felt I had been screwed by the organizers. When I thought I only had two more miles to go, I actually had five. Thanks, honey, for doing that to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. If I had had the energy to break your nose, I would have. Don't you EVER lie to me again, got it?

I was in bed by nine, but only after I had eaten everything in the house. This morning my neck and shoulders were killing me, but surprisingly, not much else. I won't be riding next weekend, I don't care how nice it is.