Call No Man Happy Least He Be Dead

I can feel myself falling into a depression. I sit here on a Sunday afternoon having no desire to do anything. Our air conditioner is still not fixed and the bastard who is supposed to fix it hasn’t called. Our house is 80 degrees. My husband slept terribly last night, so he’s in a foul mood.

I’m beyond anger. Not that I’m so angry that I’ve gone beyond, but anger does no good, so I’m beyond feeling it. I’m sick with disgust. My stomach is actually in knots, the sandwich I just ate is threatening to come back up. I only have four beers left so I can’t even drink the blues away. I’m so angry with this asshole that, if he ever shows up,I’ll have to lock myself in the bedroom least I rip his arms off and stuff them up his ass. I have a lethal tongue and am, I’m very ashamed to say, a tendency for violence. It would be very easy for me to wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze. I’m not going to end up in jail.

It’s not just the air conditioner saga that has me down. Next weekend is the 4th of July weekend. It’s a cause for celebration for everyone else, but July 4th is the birthday of a dear friend of mine who died two years ago. She loved this holiday. She loved life itself. Her death created a huge hole in my heart that hasn’t even begun to scab over. The fact that her husband remarried last weekend doesn’t make things any better. I feel as if everyone has forgotten her.

I met her when I started dating her son. We’ll call him D. D and I broke up in the most painful of ways, our relationship was unsalvageable and it’s better that we don’t talk. He fire, and I’m gasoline. Because of this, when his mother died I wasn’t allowed to say good-bye. I wasn’t allowed to come to her hospital bed. I wasn’t there when they put her ashes in fireworks and shot her into the sky last July 4th. I told you, she loved this holiday. D cut me out like a cancer. Because of him, I wasn’t invited to his father's wedding. I wouldn't have gone, I mean, D is his son and I wouldn't have made him that uncomfortable, but it would have been nice to be invited.

I'm beginning to hate summer.