Band Rant

I typed this up a while ago but I just like it so much.

I hate these annoying new bands that release a song that sounds great on the radio, but once you hear them live you realize they stink like fish guts left out in the sun. When Mick Jagger sang about not getting any satisfaction he sounded great on the album and live. Today its so easy to slap a guitar and screech out a warbled tune, put it into a computer, and come out sounding like Michael Crawford in his Phantom debut. You know what I call that? False advertising.

What do CD’s cost these days, anywhere between $15 - $22 bucks? And what are you getting for that money? Music that has been fed through a computer and altered to make it appear someone has talent. With a $49.99 computer program you can make all your own music at home and never have to buy another artists album again. But I’ll get to that later, stay with me.

So you buy the CD and you decide it was worth your hard earned money. Next thing you know Bobbie Two Shoes and his Screaming Posse are coming to town for a concert. You pay your $35 a ticket to sit in the nose bleeds or be pressed against the sweating masses known as the Pit and spend another $45 getting two drinks and a t-shirt. The big act comes onto the stage after an hour and a half of some shitty opening band and what do you get? Absolute crap.

The lead singer who sounded so smoky and bluesy on the album squeaks like a mouse caught in a trap. The drummer couldn’t keep a decent beat if he had a jail cell and the guitars are set so loudly all you can do is tolerate the noise. What’s worse, they play five songs and hit the dressing rooms, sometimes gracing their audience with a two-song encore. You leave the venue well aware you would have heard better acts at the American Idol auditions, and for free, too.

The really annoying part is from now on you’ll see these imposters in any and everything imaginable. They’re doing Coke commercials, selling you insurance and shoes, hosting the MTV Music awards, or slaughtering some other great bands song in a tribute. All those mindless drones who do what the advertisers tell them will be wearing their cloths and imitating their attitudes. Its too bad certain humans don’t take after Lemurs, then at least once a year I’d know most of them will meet their much needed death.

Take Avril Lavene…please. She comes out sounding all right and she’s got that cute I’m-a-virgin-but-hang-out-with-nothing-but-guys punk mistress thing going on. We see her all over the place, talk about what hair care products and zit cream she uses, watch the isn’t-she-just-great interviews with Carson Daley and Katie Curic. Then the Metallica tribute known as MTV Icon comes on and she sings a great song like she’s inventorying her underwear. I didn’t think it was possible to sing in a monotone but she clearly pulled it off.

I’d like to bitch slap her two-toned hair off her head for defacing such a great band’s hard work. This is why MTV flavor-of-the-months should not be allowed to do anything of this sort until they have released at least three albums. Three SUCCESSFUL albums, thank you.

We need more musicians like Henry Rollins. He doesn’t have an army of fans like the boy bands do, but those fans he has are hard-core loyal. Henry gives it his all in every concert or performance. He doesn’t hold back and put his best work into a studio’s microphone, he grips the mic and pushes each and every word through his gut. When you come home from a Henry Rollins show you don’t wonder if you’ve just seen the same person live you’ve listened to an a CD. You know where the talent is and you have been blessed to witness it.

Don't get me started on those Frou-frou light and firecracker shows little Miss. Big Tits and the boy bands put on. If I want to see nothing but flare I go see Cique de Soleil.