Irony

When I titled my last post I had no idea how close to the mark I was. I've been having problems lately. They started about last Friday. I was standing in the middle of my work party and suddenly I became very sad. So much so that I ran from the party and hid out in my office for a few minutes. I was on the verge of tears and I had no idea why. I got home, changed, and went to my sister's house to paint with my nephew. I enjoyed myself. But when I got back home I felt empty and sad again. Dismissing it as being tired from a long week I went to bed. The rest of the weekend went pretty smoothly until Sunday. We were supposed to go to the movies but my stomach hurt. So I did laundry all day, getting more and more depressed as I went.

Sunday night I became so enraged at my husband for playing his damn video game. There I was, AGAIN, alone, listening to him yuk it up with a bunch of people who aren't even real! I hadn't heard from any of my friends in a while and I felt so completely useless. I entertained thoughts of cutting myself just to see me bleed. Without a word to my husband I went to bed. Fuck him and him stupid-ass friends. Fuck my friends. Fuck everyone.

Monday wasn't much better. I carried such a deep depression I could hardly smile. I was so tired, but I knew I'd slept all night because I'd had nightmares all night (except for the storm, that was real). I wanted to lash out at everyone, especially my husband. He didn't give a shit about me. No one wanted to spend any time with me, or call, or even write a fucking email. No one was there for me, I had to face this all alone, only I wasn't really sure what "this" was. I was unhappy, miserably alone, and needed someone to talk to. No one was there.

Today wasn't much better. I cried all the way into work because my husband refused to have sex with me. I drove like a madwoman half hoping I'd get in an accident and kill someone, and half hoping I'd get into an accident and kill myself. I had nothing to live for, no one to talk to, and nothing to hope for. I emailed my only friend and got nothing in return. My mom called in that "What do you possibly have to be upset about" voice. I was ready to empty my bank account, get into my car, and drive until I ran out of money. I didn't care about anyone. Let them hurt. Let them wonder. Let them all burn in hell.

I thought I was going crazy. Not that anyone would care, but it really disturbed me. I didn't want to lose my mind at such an early age. I was hiding in my office keeping the tears at bay when it finally hit me what could be wrong.

I looked it up on the internet and sure enough, I am experiencing Inderal withdrawal. It's a migraine medication that I have been weening myself off of these last two weeks. Nightmares, nausea, depression, anxiety - it's all there. I'd like to thank my co-worker, she was there when I needed someone to talk to and I greatly appreciate it.

I'm still depressed. I still feel like everyone can go to hell. I still feel lonely and rejected. But at least now I know what's amplifying these feelings. Now I just have to deal with the sources.