Yee-HAW!

I had the best weekend. My weekend was so great that I don't even care that it's Monday. I had about 18 lengthy stops due to construction and arrived at the office half an hour late. No problem.

As some of you may know, this last weekend was the NFL draft. For those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, the NFL teams draft new players in a long, drawn-out, useless ceremony that lasts two days. It is my idea of pure hell, it is heaven for my husband. For the last two years my husband and I planned on being apart for this event. For the last two years something has happened and our plans have been ruined.

Not this time.

I woke Sat. morning to find my best friend, Alissa, already at my house. It was only seven thirty, but we had a 9am spa appointment. She was deliriously happy for being up that early on a Saturday. She's an early riser anyway, but it took me a few minutes to wake up. I finished packing a bit and we drove off into the gray morning.

The Spa was located in a hella-strip mall. We stopped by the Break Company and stuffed ourselves before going to the spa. We'd never been to this one before. It looked nice and clean, but the professionalism was something to be desired. I think the desk-girl was stoned. No one seemed to know what was going on. Two girls, we'll call them Bubbly and Perky, escorted us back to the locker area and told us to get naked. They gave us two small packages that looked like those plastic rain hats from the 60's and pointed us to the bathroom. Inside were warm robes and warm slippers. We stripped down and opened our little packages. I'll call them underwear because that is what they closely resembled, only it was like having a thong made out of two back ends. They were made of some plastic/paper kind of material and the minute I put mine on, my butt ate it. Alissa's fared a little better.

So we go into this room that has two beds made up and a bar-b-que cooker looking thing sitting on a table. Neither of these girls were real sure about the process. They needed to measure us before the wrap. Perky measured everything from neck to ankle, making small pen marks wherever she laid the tape measure. Then Bubbly opened the cooker and took out steaming hot rolls of gauze.

I've never been mummified, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe because I didn't have to have the whole jam-a-stick-up-your-nose-scramble-your-brain thing beforehand. They wrapped everything but the breasts, (we didn't want any shrinkage there). I looked like a bad porn mummy. Then Bubbly brings out this rubber suit that I have to climb into. Note: try putting on a rubber suit with arms and legs that won't bend without looking like an ass. It's hard to do.

Alissa went through the whole thing and they laced her up in this light blue dough boy suit that tied at the neck. She didn't have to bend her arms! For the next forty five minutes we lay there with cold packs over our eyes listening to sounds of the rain forest. Each new sound made me want to pee. The unwrapping wasn't as pleasant, I was cold and wet when Perky measured me again. I lost two inches from my waist and abdomen. My wrists gained half an inch. Alissa lost in her tummy, too.

They told us to drink a gallon of water during the day. We trooped on over to Dierberg's and got two gallons...as well as a 24 pack a Bud Select, a bottle of champagne, a tub of strawberries and some yummy yogurt dip. Then we went back to my place to collect the clothes.

My husband made a reservation for us at the Cheshire Inn and Lodge. He reserved a fantasy suite but refused to tell us which one it was. I didn't mind, but it was driving Alissa crazy. The Friday before he had sent her an email with details about the room. It read, "The room has a floor, four walls, a jacuzzi, a bed, a bathroom, and a ceiling."

We did a little shopping and then stopped at a Mexican place for some margarita's. (Side Note: a gallon of water can go through the body at an amazingly fast rate.) Check in was at 3pm and they meant it. We arrived at the hotel around 2:59pm. Seeing us unload the car, you'd have thought we'd be there a week. Water, beer, dresses, suitcases, purses, shoes, and beauty products--we took up the whole elevator. We got the card key to our room and raced down the hall to see which one it was.

The Captain's Quarters. It's the same room I stayed in on my wedding night. It is a gorgeous room. Everything is wood, you have to take your shoes off before you can even enter the room. There is a fireplace with two Queen Ann chairs facing it, a marble table, a bar, a huge armoire, a leather steamer trunk that held the phone with two chairs, the King bed on this huge platform made of marble, mirrors on the ceiling, another desk with a huge mirror, a hammered brass table by the bed, and sitting in the corner is a big, black two-person jacuzzi. We were naked in twenty minutes enjoying that thing.

We popped open the champagne and ate the strawberries. The cab was coming to get us at 7pm. By that time we had put a pretty good dent in the 24 pack and were ready to eat. Alissa had to go to the car to find her bank card, so I headed toward the entrance to see if the cab was waiting. See, we didn't know where we were going. My husband had made dinner reservations as well and didn't tell us where. I saw this guy sitting on a chair in the lobby, but I almost ignored him as I hurried by. I'm married, I don't need to look.

Good thing I did, it was my baby! He was all dressed up in his suit looking so nice. I was so surprised, and Alissa nearly fell out as well. She's never seen my husband dressed up. He drove us to Bar Italia where we had a wonderful dinner. The wine was just right, the food was sooooo good. Around 9pm the car hubby ordered showed up and we said good night. I was sad to see him go.

Will, our driver, was the nicest guy. We told him to take us back to the hotel so we could change clothes. Alissa mentioned that she was getting a headache, so while we were changing Will drove to a store and got three different types of pain relievers. What a guy. We got back in and drove across the river to Larry Flint's Hustler Club.

Ladies - If you want to go out with your girl friends and not be hit on by guys yet still have a wild time, go to the strip clubs. We had the greatest time. Aside from the drink prices being a bit elevated ($10 for one martini, and it ain't no big martini, either), we found ourselves sitting front stage by the pole. Women loved us. The guys watching the women loved us. I've never really realized that the female body can be so soft. Some of these girl's were amazingly talented, I'll just leave it at that. Before we knew it, it was almost 1am. We left the club, thanked Will, retired to the jacuzzi and didn't get out until we were pruned.

Sunday morning wasn't as ugly as we thought it would be. We even felt like eating breakfast. It was sad leaving that beautiful room and going back to reality. Alissa dropped me off and went home. I took the best nap. My husband pampered me for the rest of the day. I was in bed by 10pm. I had the strangest dream, though. I was looking for my cat at Larry Flint's, only the whole place was filled with gray tabbies. None of them were mine. Hmmm, my pussy was lost at the strip club. Analyze that.