News Flash
St. Louis, MO - Panic and chaos in the St. Louis Metro area today. It seems water is falling from the sky. This strange phenomenon called "rain," unseen to all but the oldest residents of St. Louis, has turned an ordinary Thursday into a watery hell. We have an eyewitness to the event.
"Dang if that ain't somthin'," Bob Clover of Maryland Heights commented. "I seen the clouds getten all dark yesterday. Couldn't figure out why. Then I felt a drop of water on my arm. I looked up to see if a bird had pissed on me, then I thought 'That came from the sky!' So, I ran into my house and rounded up all the batteries and toilet paper I could find. I think we'll be okay as long as we don't try to drive anywhere."
Others weren't so lucky. Road conditions deteriorated quickly once the city was blanketed in this "rain." We spoke with one cautions diver, EllaMae Whitfield. "I kept one foot on the gas, one on the brake, and used both at the same time. I wasn't sure if people could see me, so I put one blinker on even though I wasn't going to turn. Then, I stopped at every intersection to make sure the road was perfectly clear before I turned." Others weren't so cautions, reaching speeds upwards of 20 mph. "Those hellions," EllaMae commented. "Don't they know we're in the clutches of a apolcolyptic event?"
What does it mean? Where has this "rain" come from? What will it do to the city of St. Louis? We won't know until it stops. Until then, residents are urged to stay inside. The Red Cross is prepared for the worse. After seeing the destruction in New Orleans, they aren't taking any chances. Said one member, "Sure, it looks like a ordinary, everyday, averagely mild rain storm, but you just never know."
Barbarian02003 reporting.
"Dang if that ain't somthin'," Bob Clover of Maryland Heights commented. "I seen the clouds getten all dark yesterday. Couldn't figure out why. Then I felt a drop of water on my arm. I looked up to see if a bird had pissed on me, then I thought 'That came from the sky!' So, I ran into my house and rounded up all the batteries and toilet paper I could find. I think we'll be okay as long as we don't try to drive anywhere."
Others weren't so lucky. Road conditions deteriorated quickly once the city was blanketed in this "rain." We spoke with one cautions diver, EllaMae Whitfield. "I kept one foot on the gas, one on the brake, and used both at the same time. I wasn't sure if people could see me, so I put one blinker on even though I wasn't going to turn. Then, I stopped at every intersection to make sure the road was perfectly clear before I turned." Others weren't so cautions, reaching speeds upwards of 20 mph. "Those hellions," EllaMae commented. "Don't they know we're in the clutches of a apolcolyptic event?"
What does it mean? Where has this "rain" come from? What will it do to the city of St. Louis? We won't know until it stops. Until then, residents are urged to stay inside. The Red Cross is prepared for the worse. After seeing the destruction in New Orleans, they aren't taking any chances. Said one member, "Sure, it looks like a ordinary, everyday, averagely mild rain storm, but you just never know."
Barbarian02003 reporting.
posted by Barbarian02003 | Thursday, September 15, 2005
3 Comments:
Hmmm...maybe.
Have you considered moonlighting for the Onion? That article was funny and totally in the format of a real one... I say you apply! Could be some extra bucks for beer at the least!
xodiaq is right on.... that's 100% Onion material... brilliantly written!!
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