Some Disgusting Helpful Tips
WARNING: Poop talk.
I am the Queen of Poop. It's not a title I really wanted but with the onslaught of my poopy disease I unwillingly became an expert on all things poopful. I will share some things that I have learned over the years that have made my life easier and maybe, someday, may help you.
So your driving in your car and maybe you had a crave-case full of White Castles the night before that you washed down with a six-pack of $1.99 beer. Your body is telling you you have two miles before an unwanted explosion in your pants, but you're 20 miles from the nearest toilet. Man, I wish I had a dollar....never mind, this is what you do. If you've taken lamanz classes with a pregnant lady you already have the idea. Breathe. Concentrate on pulling air in, holding it for a second, and pushing the air out. Don't think of anything else but breathing. This calms the muscles in your abdomen, thus lessening any pressure or pain you might be feeling. It only works for a little while, so if you're 40 miles from the nearest toilet I suggest you look for a crop of trees.
Always carry a roll of toilet paper in your car. Put it in the trunk and forget about it. You may feel silly for doing it, but when you need that toilet paper you will feel like a genious.
You finally make it to the potty and only half of what you ate comes out. You can feel the rest in there, but it won't come out. Don't push and strain and give yourself an aneurysm. Stand up. You don't need to pull up your pants but you may want to wipe first. Stand up and wait until you feel things shift. Sit back down and wa-la! Works for me.
If you notice your stomach is poochie and you haven't gone for a day or two don't go running for the laxatives. They work really fast and they don't stop working once the job is done. Instead drink water. Don't chug it, just sip on a bottle continuously until you get results. It's cheap, it regulates your bowels, and you don't have the 12-hour laxative hangover that comes with most drugs.
As I am the Queen of Poop, I also have a horrible obsession with smell. I'm terrified that people will be able to tell when I've taken a poop. I also have an unnatural obsession with, ahem...female odor. Some of us are cursed with a signature fragrance. When I get hot and sweaty I'm afraid people will be able to smell me coming. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. I have found a way to kill both problems. Oil. Yep, essential oils. I prefer lavender. Five or six drops on the outside of my underwear cures any odor problems I may have. When things get warm the oil heats up, thus releasing it's smell and not your own. It also works on covering up farts. Not all farts, but the small ones for sure. Essential oils will not stain your silky drawers and washes off in the laundry. I tried lemon grass with some success as well as orange blossom, but I really like the lavender.
Finally, for you ladies that are terrified of pooping in public because someone may hear you, before you sit down take a few squares of toilet paper and lay them down on the surface of the water. You've just created sound proofing. Of'course, if you let out a train rumbling fart the TP isn't going to do much good.
Have a good day!
I am the Queen of Poop. It's not a title I really wanted but with the onslaught of my poopy disease I unwillingly became an expert on all things poopful. I will share some things that I have learned over the years that have made my life easier and maybe, someday, may help you.
So your driving in your car and maybe you had a crave-case full of White Castles the night before that you washed down with a six-pack of $1.99 beer. Your body is telling you you have two miles before an unwanted explosion in your pants, but you're 20 miles from the nearest toilet. Man, I wish I had a dollar....never mind, this is what you do. If you've taken lamanz classes with a pregnant lady you already have the idea. Breathe. Concentrate on pulling air in, holding it for a second, and pushing the air out. Don't think of anything else but breathing. This calms the muscles in your abdomen, thus lessening any pressure or pain you might be feeling. It only works for a little while, so if you're 40 miles from the nearest toilet I suggest you look for a crop of trees.
Always carry a roll of toilet paper in your car. Put it in the trunk and forget about it. You may feel silly for doing it, but when you need that toilet paper you will feel like a genious.
You finally make it to the potty and only half of what you ate comes out. You can feel the rest in there, but it won't come out. Don't push and strain and give yourself an aneurysm. Stand up. You don't need to pull up your pants but you may want to wipe first. Stand up and wait until you feel things shift. Sit back down and wa-la! Works for me.
If you notice your stomach is poochie and you haven't gone for a day or two don't go running for the laxatives. They work really fast and they don't stop working once the job is done. Instead drink water. Don't chug it, just sip on a bottle continuously until you get results. It's cheap, it regulates your bowels, and you don't have the 12-hour laxative hangover that comes with most drugs.
As I am the Queen of Poop, I also have a horrible obsession with smell. I'm terrified that people will be able to tell when I've taken a poop. I also have an unnatural obsession with, ahem...female odor. Some of us are cursed with a signature fragrance. When I get hot and sweaty I'm afraid people will be able to smell me coming. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. I have found a way to kill both problems. Oil. Yep, essential oils. I prefer lavender. Five or six drops on the outside of my underwear cures any odor problems I may have. When things get warm the oil heats up, thus releasing it's smell and not your own. It also works on covering up farts. Not all farts, but the small ones for sure. Essential oils will not stain your silky drawers and washes off in the laundry. I tried lemon grass with some success as well as orange blossom, but I really like the lavender.
Finally, for you ladies that are terrified of pooping in public because someone may hear you, before you sit down take a few squares of toilet paper and lay them down on the surface of the water. You've just created sound proofing. Of'course, if you let out a train rumbling fart the TP isn't going to do much good.
Have a good day!
posted by Barbarian02003 | Thursday, April 20, 2006
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