The Debut
I have been envious of those writers able to write short-shorts. These are stories 50 words or less. I have always found it impossible to do this. Who can tell a story in 50 words? Honestly? But I wrote something tonight. Let me know what you think.
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A man sits alone on his balcony at midnight. He is looking out into the desert, listening to an iPod. It’s his wife’s. She likes to make playlists for herself. He is listening to them tonight because he can’t sleep. Hot, naked except for a pair dirty boxers, he is finally beginning to understand his wife’s love of music.
Her “Sad” playlist is not full of sappy ballads of depression and sorrow. Oh, those were there, but peppered among the songs of strength and hope. “Riding” was a playlist of fast, hard song she listened to when they rode their bikes. He’d laughed when he heard Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up.” “Horny” was pretty amusing. He hadn’t even heard some of those songs. His favorite was the “New” playlist. It held her favorite songs of the week. It was turning out to be an eclectic mix that made absolutely no sense. Some songs were complex, some lighthearted, and others raging, but all of them were beautiful.
Just like his wife.
The iPod was the only thing the police had been able to recover. The rest had burned up in the wreckage.
Just like his wife.
He’d found one of her hairs tucked inside its rubber case. He holds it between his fingers now and listens to the beat of her heart once again.
_____________________________
A man sits alone on his balcony at midnight. He is looking out into the desert, listening to an iPod. It’s his wife’s. She likes to make playlists for herself. He is listening to them tonight because he can’t sleep. Hot, naked except for a pair dirty boxers, he is finally beginning to understand his wife’s love of music.
Her “Sad” playlist is not full of sappy ballads of depression and sorrow. Oh, those were there, but peppered among the songs of strength and hope. “Riding” was a playlist of fast, hard song she listened to when they rode their bikes. He’d laughed when he heard Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up.” “Horny” was pretty amusing. He hadn’t even heard some of those songs. His favorite was the “New” playlist. It held her favorite songs of the week. It was turning out to be an eclectic mix that made absolutely no sense. Some songs were complex, some lighthearted, and others raging, but all of them were beautiful.
Just like his wife.
The iPod was the only thing the police had been able to recover. The rest had burned up in the wreckage.
Just like his wife.
He’d found one of her hairs tucked inside its rubber case. He holds it between his fingers now and listens to the beat of her heart once again.
posted by Barbarian02003 | Tuesday, April 10, 2007
4 Comments:
I liked your short-short. It was like describing a sad but beautiful painting. Each sentence or description of this man and what he is doing and thinking is like a stroke of color; reading it was like watching this portrait painted in front of me. I had a pretty good idea where it was going, but the magic and beauty was in seeing it happen, and how you were seting it up.
And then the description of the police finding the iPod was jarring. Very good contract against the first two paragraphs. Well done.
I'm not sure how necessary the second "Just like his wife." was. The police recovering the iPod did its job creating the contrast and bringing the scene into focus. The second "Just like..." almost left like it was starting to lay it on a little thick? It's not breaking the story though... but I'm feeling life that contrast would be stronger if that line was used once.
Here's the cheeky part: What particular case did her iPod have? If Podrick (that's my iPod) is involved in somehting a intense as something that results in burned wreckage, I want it to have that case because it does the JOB!
It's rubber and has fire printed on it, hee-hee.
The second "Just like his wife" balanced the words for me. Almost like a poem, it repeats a simple statement but has a whole other meaning. I grappled with taking it out but it all come down to look. I like the way it breaks up the other sentences.
Thanks.
You know... it's cool to hear how you grappled with that sentence and what brought you to your decision.
I have the same tpye of discussion ALL the time, but its always over technical stuff and if "such-and-such" will persuade the user/customer.
Its' nice to have the same discussion but now over something purely creative.
I look forward to discussing future pieces from you.
nice work!!
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