Forgive Me....
I have a confession. Around my neck hangs a heavy, obtrusive thing. It clunks against my chest with every move I make. Sometimes I manage to forget about it, but then it only hurts twice as much when I'm reminded of it again. This weight has a name, and that name is Kyle Nudo.
Kyle is, well, was a friend of mine. A good one. A golden one. We met when we were babies and had a very passionate relationship. We broke up, obviously, but remained friends. He came to my wedding. As you can tell by his website Kyle is an actor. He lives in California. I visited him once and it was wonderful. Kyle has had some pretty hard trials but he is doing well for himself. I guess.
Kyle hasn't spoken to me in almost 3 years. Why? That's the thing, I really don't know. I sent him a late birthday card almost 3 years ago and that was the end. I'm terrible with dates, I forget lots of folks birthdays so it wasn't personal. I didn't hear from him. Around Christmas he usually came to town to visit. I didn't hear from him. Another year passed.
For his next birthday I sent him another birthday card (way early, I didn't want to miss it again) and a CD that I had made hoping it would prompt him to contact me. Here's where I messed up. You know how you hear a song and you think, "Wow, that says just what I want to say," then you listen to the song again much later and realize it's nothing at all what you thought? Instead of sending Kyle a CD of songs full of apology and regret, I think I sent him the most insulting CD he has ever received. Needless to say, we still haven't spoken.
So what do I do? I already have both feet in my mouth, what else can I do to mess this up? I could call, but....well.....
I think Kyle would be much better off if I remained part of his past. With Kyle I fucked up plenty. He's always known what he wanted to do with his life and I'm just starting to figure it all out. He's always had confidence, I have not. This made for an ugly adolescence and Kyle witnessed it all. He's smart enough to know when to cut bad parts of his life out and I think I became one. I can't blame him. I don't want to force my way into his life. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. I love this man, he is so important to me. I miss him more than I can properly convey, but perhaps he is better off without me.
So why do I carry him around then? Because you don't forget people like Kyle. You long for people like him. Things will remind me of him and I feel happiness and sadness at the same time. Followed quickly by confusion, hurt, longing, and a whole slew of questions. I don't know what I could have done! That's the thing that really gets me. Kyle is not an unfair person, he dumped me for a reason. If I knew what horrendous thing I did then I'd accept it and go on with my life. But I don't know.
So I type his name into Google every month and watch him from afar. I am incredibly proud of his successes. I wish him well. When it strikes it big I will go around telling people I knew him and they probably won't believe me. I always try to put a character like him in my writings, an homage to what was.
This silence is what is.
Kyle is, well, was a friend of mine. A good one. A golden one. We met when we were babies and had a very passionate relationship. We broke up, obviously, but remained friends. He came to my wedding. As you can tell by his website Kyle is an actor. He lives in California. I visited him once and it was wonderful. Kyle has had some pretty hard trials but he is doing well for himself. I guess.
Kyle hasn't spoken to me in almost 3 years. Why? That's the thing, I really don't know. I sent him a late birthday card almost 3 years ago and that was the end. I'm terrible with dates, I forget lots of folks birthdays so it wasn't personal. I didn't hear from him. Around Christmas he usually came to town to visit. I didn't hear from him. Another year passed.
For his next birthday I sent him another birthday card (way early, I didn't want to miss it again) and a CD that I had made hoping it would prompt him to contact me. Here's where I messed up. You know how you hear a song and you think, "Wow, that says just what I want to say," then you listen to the song again much later and realize it's nothing at all what you thought? Instead of sending Kyle a CD of songs full of apology and regret, I think I sent him the most insulting CD he has ever received. Needless to say, we still haven't spoken.
So what do I do? I already have both feet in my mouth, what else can I do to mess this up? I could call, but....well.....
I think Kyle would be much better off if I remained part of his past. With Kyle I fucked up plenty. He's always known what he wanted to do with his life and I'm just starting to figure it all out. He's always had confidence, I have not. This made for an ugly adolescence and Kyle witnessed it all. He's smart enough to know when to cut bad parts of his life out and I think I became one. I can't blame him. I don't want to force my way into his life. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. I love this man, he is so important to me. I miss him more than I can properly convey, but perhaps he is better off without me.
So why do I carry him around then? Because you don't forget people like Kyle. You long for people like him. Things will remind me of him and I feel happiness and sadness at the same time. Followed quickly by confusion, hurt, longing, and a whole slew of questions. I don't know what I could have done! That's the thing that really gets me. Kyle is not an unfair person, he dumped me for a reason. If I knew what horrendous thing I did then I'd accept it and go on with my life. But I don't know.
So I type his name into Google every month and watch him from afar. I am incredibly proud of his successes. I wish him well. When it strikes it big I will go around telling people I knew him and they probably won't believe me. I always try to put a character like him in my writings, an homage to what was.
This silence is what is.
posted by Barbarian02003 | Wednesday, April 18, 2007
2 Comments:
I don't know why he hasn't responded to you, of course, maybe he's not good a correspondence.
You can feel sad by his absense as a friend and that kind of thing all you want; those are your feelings and you have a right to them.
But it makes me sad to see a good friend and a good person (that's you so pay attention) put someone up on a pedistal and feel hurt and confused and feeling like you did something wrong.
The guy went to your wedding, and you sent him a birthday card 3 years ago. A year passes and you send a nother card and the CD.
But why hasn't he been in touch before you sent the CD? And you know what else, if the CD was so bad or if he had other issues with you AND if he was such a good guy, he would have let you know what he felt was wrong.
If he's not going to do you the courtesy of letting you know his problem with you, assuming he has one, then thats his loss. You can't be expected to respond to something or make ammends for something if he will not tell you what that is.
It may be one of those thigns that happen with people... sometimes they grow further and further apart for no other reason except that its just how life seems to go sometimes.
Well... i don't know if that was helpful at, but if you took anything from it, it's that you're my friend, a good friend and a good person. I know this to be true. Nobody deserves to be lifted so high as to make you feel like you feel bad when they cannot even be bother to stay in touch or tell you if you have actually injured them.
So nuts to him if he's got an issue with you.
Awww, thanks, Babe. I feel so loved!
It's the mystery that gets me. I guess it's easy to accept that I did something to make him go away as opposed to no reason at all. I would rather see myself as the villain than as nothing. Knowing that someone as great as you still likes me makes me feel worlds better.
Thanks.
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