Change

Change ain't easy. If you want change, you're going to have to work for it. Some of you know me and the type of person I am. I can honestly say I am happy now. Many years ago that was not the case.

Years ago I was living with a deadbeat, I had a terrible relationship with my family, I had no direction in ways of a career, and I didn't take care of myself at all. Now I have a perfect mate, a wonderful job, a great relationship with my family, and I am in the best shape of my life. How did I get here? It wasn't easy, I had to work for it.

When I finally dumped my loser boyfriend I thought my world had come to an end. Not only had I wasted the last 5 years of my life, but I was sure I would never find anyone else. I cried myself to sleep for weeks, I second-guessed my decision every day, and even when I hooked up with others I always thought about running back to my ex. In fact, I did. When I moved to Savannah and started living with my future husband I couldn't take it and I ran back to loser-boy in a heartbeat. It was then I understood loser-boy hadn't changed a bit. My being with or without him didn't affect him in the slightest. His issues didn't have anything to do with me. He was an immature, selfish, and abusive jerk no matter what I said or did. And he wasn't going to change, not even for me. I had put all my happiness and future in the hands of a careless asshole. The drive back to Savannah was humiliating and loooooooooong. But by the time I got back I realized I was done with him and everything he brought with him. Was my life great? No.

Without loser-boy in my way I started to find myself. I was an empty shell. I had filled myself up with loser-boy and once I'd dumped him for good I had nothing. I was depressed and lost. I jumped from job to job and thought about all my failures. But an interesting thing happened. The void loser-boy left in me began to fill with the life I was building without him. I met people who changed my way of thinking, something that would never have happened had I still been with loser-boy. I found I had my own likes and dislikes. I could do what I wanted without having to explain myself, or feel guilty about it, or have to include loser-boy (who never wanted to do anything). There was a whole world out there!

Life was still hard, I didn't become happy overnight. I still had a crappy relationship with my family and my jobs were less than satisfying. But not having to come home to chaos made the rest of my issues easier to deal with. I didn't have to solve his problems, I could concentrate on my own. Loser-boy was afraid of change and things unknown, therefore he had made me afraid as well. With that fear gone I discovered things I liked to do. I got in touch with the young girl hiding inside of me and asked her, "What do you want to do?"

Over the next few years I worked jobs I really liked (and some I did not). I felt I was floating around without direction, just earning a paycheck to pay the bills. Then I started working for the Savannah College of Art and Design and discovered I loved the academic world. It was a decision that charted the course of my future. Look where I am now, working at a university. Had I not taken a few chances I would never have discovered this. There were times I didn't have health insurance. There were times I came home crying because I hated my job so much. But I pushed on, when I didn't like a job I found another. And another. And I kept going until I found the one I liked. It wasn't easy, but the payoff was worth it.

Having a positive, happy home to come to didn't hurt, either.

So I had a great relationship and a nice job, but my family life was still a mess. My mother could push me over the edge with just a few words. My sister was MIA. And my father was, well, actually my father was the same. He and I have always gotten along, but not being able to stand my mother pushed my father away from me as well. I had to shit or get off the pot. I had issues with my mom and they weren't going to be resolved if I didn't do something about it. I had to decide to either try and fix the problems, or cut my mother out of my life all together. I didn't know which way it would go, but I was willing to take the risk in order to better my life. So I had the painful, awful conversation with my mom in which I told her exactly how I felt. Did things change overnight? No, but that one conversation blew open the door for many, many more and through those conversations my mom and I began to rebuild our relations. Now, 8 years later, my mom is one of my best friends.

My transformation from loser-boy's punching bag to strong, happy woman took years. At times it was so hard I thought about suicide. I berated myself so badly for choices I'd made. Buckets of tears were shed. There were times I didn't know where my next meal would come from or if I'd be able to put gas in my car. But there were also times that I would be so happy I was sure my skin would burst. I found friends who brightened my life. I found happiness in myself that no one could take away. My core was finally just that, MINE! No matter what was going on around me I knew I had a solid foundation because I'd been through the flames many times but I was still standing.

So when I say change can happen, I know what I'm talking about. When I say making those changes are hard, I know what I'm talking about. Fear, uncertainty, guilt, confusion, and hopelessness spent many nights in my bed. But when I say it's worth it, I damn well know what I'm talking about.

If you want change, you have to work for it. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.