Dukes of Haggard

What did they do to the "Dukes of Hazzard?" I watched that show religiously as a child and when I saw the movie trailer for the 2005 version, I nearly wept. Bo and Luke Duke were funny, sexy trouble makers, but they also had class. They were laid back about their antics, not all up in your face. So who do they cast? Jonny "Stick a firecracker up my ass and papercut my testicles" Knox and Stiffler? Stiffler! This guy makes a mug even when he's sleeping. Just looking at them lowers the IQ of the Duke brothers before they even open their mouths.

And Daisy Duke was tough first, sexy second. And Brunette. Not some sleazy blonde sex-kitten who slings her boobs in everyone's face wearing bikini tops and making stupid comments. Daisy was the smartest of the bunch, remember? Casting Jessica Simpson is like, and I quote, "turning Lucille Ball into a crackhead." The original Cooter said that in his review of this atrocious movie.

And Boss Hogg? Burt Reynolds is 1) not fat, 2) not sleazy, and 3) not fat! Boss Hogg is fat, that's why the name worked so well...because he looked like a Hogg. Dumbasses! The same person who cast this movie must have cast all those American Pie movies. In fact, I bet the writer's came from that franchise as well. The Dukes go to a sorority? Since when did Hazzard get a University?

Despite what they are trying to protray, the Duke's were not lusty "Players". They had women throwing themselves at them, they didn't need to hunt it down. They were too busy trying to save the farm and Uncle Jesse. God, this movie is going to suck so badly. If you're not a 14 year-old boy anxious to see Jessica Simpson tits for two hours, skip it. Or at least wait for it to come out on HBO. Paying to see this would be a little bit more than the law would allow.