They Can DO That?
Minnesota just shut down its government. 9,000 people are out of jobs and highway rest stops will be unattended through the July 4th weekend. Gross! Those restrooms smell bad enough with a crew of three cleaning constantly, just imagine the stank come Monday.
Does this include police? If so, Minnesota is about to become the biggest looting spree on record. How can a government shut down? Seriously, how? They claim its because of their spending plan deadline. I think it's a terrorist plan to implement Al Qaida boot camps on American soil. And our government is probably in on it. Oh, or Bush's Saudi family probably found oil and wants there to be no "petty complications" like legislature to stop them from drilling it. How safe can we American's feel if our entire states government can call in quits, huh?
I saw a big ass spider in the basement last night. Actually, it saw me first, because when it jumped out at me I was completely caught by surprise. It was big and brownish, my first thought was BROWN RECLUSE. My second thought was, "You ain't gettin me!" I grabbed the only thing available, the pour cup from my laundry detergent. I just started chopping, by the time I was done there was nothing left but juice. The whole time I was emitting this high pitch squeal I didn't know I was capable of making. There were bats going crazy all over the state of Missouri. I threw the cup away and left it's mutilated corpse there as a warning to any other spiders who might be thinking about hanging out by the washing machine.
Which reminds me of a time when a bat got into our house. Okay, this takes some back story. My husband, (boyfriend at that time,) broke his leg. Well, he had it broken for him during a softball game. He needed surgery for it, and that night he was in the hospital recovering. I had worked all day, gone to see him, and got home around 10pm. I wanted a cold drink and a hot bath, then bed. In that order. We were renting a house at the time that was shaped like a big H. The middle of the H was the hallway, with the living room on one side and the kitchen, bedroom being on the other. I got my drink, sat down to veg in front of the TV. Me, in my underwear, and the cat, sitting in the middle of the floor, having a good head scratching session when this black thing starts flapping around the living room.
My cat is a sweet, gentle boy. He rarely gets excited unless its feeding time, and even then he just meows a lot. He loves lovin' and that's all he loves. This cat turned into a freaking tornado, jumping and hissing and knocking things over. I've never seen him react to a bird this way. That's when I got a closer look at the thing and realized it didn't have any feathers. Bat.
Rabies.
I wrestled my cat to the floor and darted towards the bedroom, hurled him in and slammed the door shut. I grabbed a tea towel from the kitchen sink and watched, through the hallway, this black blob zoom back and forth. What was I going to do? Then it stopped. Shit. I called 911 and they told me an animal control agent would be out there shortly. My cat is throwing himself at the door, hissing like a cobra and trying to scratch his way through the wood. I grabbed the broom, stopped by the bathroom to get a bigger towel, put on my sunglasses, and crept into the living room on my knees like a Monty Python reject. I couldn't see the bat anywhere. I scooted around looking at everything but couldn't see it. I finally had to get the courage to stand up. He wasn't by the TV, wasn't hiding in any of the furniture. There weren't enough knick-knacks for him to hide behind. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it. It was winter and the windows were closed, where the hell was it?
I looked up at the ceiling to see if a magical hole had appeared when I saw two little clawed paws protruding from one of the fan blades on the ceiling fan. I got up on the couch and looked again, sure enough, there he was, flattened out on the fan like road kill. I wasn't taking my eyes off him, and he wasn't taking his...sonar, I guess, off me. That's how the animal control agent found us. Him holding onto the fan blade, me standing on the couch in my underwear with sunglasses, a blue towel over my head, and a broom being held like a weapon.
The AC agent was Fat Albert's second cousin. He had to have weighed 400 pounds and stood all of 5'3". He had a net and a tuperware container, and that was all. Shit, I could have done that. I jumped off the couch and pointed out where the bat was. He tried to scoot his net over the fan blade, but the bat was having none of that. He started flying around again. I hit the deck. Fat Albert's cousin started running around the room after it, not a pretty sight. My few knick-knacks went flying. The lamp fell over. My cat picked up his assault on the bedroom door.
Finally, Fat Albert caught the bat and put him in the tupperware container. It screamed. I filled out some paperwork and bid farewell to my hero, then looked around my wrecked living room. All it needed was an overturned couch and a drunken rock star passed out in the corner. I let the cat out, dabbed neosporin on the scratches he gave me, stripped, and just went to bed.
No one was going to beleive this.
Does this include police? If so, Minnesota is about to become the biggest looting spree on record. How can a government shut down? Seriously, how? They claim its because of their spending plan deadline. I think it's a terrorist plan to implement Al Qaida boot camps on American soil. And our government is probably in on it. Oh, or Bush's Saudi family probably found oil and wants there to be no "petty complications" like legislature to stop them from drilling it. How safe can we American's feel if our entire states government can call in quits, huh?
I saw a big ass spider in the basement last night. Actually, it saw me first, because when it jumped out at me I was completely caught by surprise. It was big and brownish, my first thought was BROWN RECLUSE. My second thought was, "You ain't gettin me!" I grabbed the only thing available, the pour cup from my laundry detergent. I just started chopping, by the time I was done there was nothing left but juice. The whole time I was emitting this high pitch squeal I didn't know I was capable of making. There were bats going crazy all over the state of Missouri. I threw the cup away and left it's mutilated corpse there as a warning to any other spiders who might be thinking about hanging out by the washing machine.
Which reminds me of a time when a bat got into our house. Okay, this takes some back story. My husband, (boyfriend at that time,) broke his leg. Well, he had it broken for him during a softball game. He needed surgery for it, and that night he was in the hospital recovering. I had worked all day, gone to see him, and got home around 10pm. I wanted a cold drink and a hot bath, then bed. In that order. We were renting a house at the time that was shaped like a big H. The middle of the H was the hallway, with the living room on one side and the kitchen, bedroom being on the other. I got my drink, sat down to veg in front of the TV. Me, in my underwear, and the cat, sitting in the middle of the floor, having a good head scratching session when this black thing starts flapping around the living room.
My cat is a sweet, gentle boy. He rarely gets excited unless its feeding time, and even then he just meows a lot. He loves lovin' and that's all he loves. This cat turned into a freaking tornado, jumping and hissing and knocking things over. I've never seen him react to a bird this way. That's when I got a closer look at the thing and realized it didn't have any feathers. Bat.
Rabies.
I wrestled my cat to the floor and darted towards the bedroom, hurled him in and slammed the door shut. I grabbed a tea towel from the kitchen sink and watched, through the hallway, this black blob zoom back and forth. What was I going to do? Then it stopped. Shit. I called 911 and they told me an animal control agent would be out there shortly. My cat is throwing himself at the door, hissing like a cobra and trying to scratch his way through the wood. I grabbed the broom, stopped by the bathroom to get a bigger towel, put on my sunglasses, and crept into the living room on my knees like a Monty Python reject. I couldn't see the bat anywhere. I scooted around looking at everything but couldn't see it. I finally had to get the courage to stand up. He wasn't by the TV, wasn't hiding in any of the furniture. There weren't enough knick-knacks for him to hide behind. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it. It was winter and the windows were closed, where the hell was it?
I looked up at the ceiling to see if a magical hole had appeared when I saw two little clawed paws protruding from one of the fan blades on the ceiling fan. I got up on the couch and looked again, sure enough, there he was, flattened out on the fan like road kill. I wasn't taking my eyes off him, and he wasn't taking his...sonar, I guess, off me. That's how the animal control agent found us. Him holding onto the fan blade, me standing on the couch in my underwear with sunglasses, a blue towel over my head, and a broom being held like a weapon.
The AC agent was Fat Albert's second cousin. He had to have weighed 400 pounds and stood all of 5'3". He had a net and a tuperware container, and that was all. Shit, I could have done that. I jumped off the couch and pointed out where the bat was. He tried to scoot his net over the fan blade, but the bat was having none of that. He started flying around again. I hit the deck. Fat Albert's cousin started running around the room after it, not a pretty sight. My few knick-knacks went flying. The lamp fell over. My cat picked up his assault on the bedroom door.
Finally, Fat Albert caught the bat and put him in the tupperware container. It screamed. I filled out some paperwork and bid farewell to my hero, then looked around my wrecked living room. All it needed was an overturned couch and a drunken rock star passed out in the corner. I let the cat out, dabbed neosporin on the scratches he gave me, stripped, and just went to bed.
No one was going to beleive this.
posted by Barbarian02003 | Friday, July 01, 2005
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