Mother's Children

I watched a show last night called "Brat Camp". It was on Wednesday night but I Tivoed it. If you don't know what it's about, 9 bad, bad kids are sent to the desert for 60 days to cure them of their issues. Most of them are angry, on drugs, having sex, drinking, and treating their parents like crap. In the beginning they interview the parents on their children's behavior and show short clips of said kids in action. Despite their many differences, I noticed a common theme with all these kids.

They were all spoiled.

This concerns me personally as in about 10 years I fear my nephew will need to go to a camp like this. I'll call him B-Butt. B-Butt is spoiled beyond belief. Now, I can just hear my mother and sister screaming "No, he's not!" Yes, he is.

The reason I know he's spoiled is this: my mother and sister will not tolerate the same behavior from other children. Example: we went out to eat and B-Butt took maybe four bites of his food, leaving an whole plate of chicken and french fries to go to waste. Behind our table was a man and his two little girls. After their meal they ordered ice cream and neither girl finished it. When we were walking out, my mother pointed to their table and said, "Look at that. Those girls didn't even finish their ice cream. What a waste of food."
"Hello?" I said. "Your grandson just wasted a whole lot more than that." My mother looked at me in shock, as if that had never occurred to her.

If we see badly behaved children, my mother and sister will be the first to comment. Things like "Some parents should know how to control their children," and "I'd be embarrassed if my children acted that way." "I blame the parents." This is my favorite, "I never let you girls act that way." Yes, but your grandson acts that way. We'll see what happens...

On "Brat Camp", the parents were all teary eyed and wrung out. "We just don't know what to do! We try to talk to them, we try to reason with them, we try to punish them, but nothing works." You don't try to punish your children, you either punish them or you don't. One couple was so out of their heads with worry, yet when their daughter asked for money, they still gave it to her. They had the audacity to say, "We don't want her on drugs, but what can we do?" STOP GIVING HER MONEY! In every situation, the parents sat around powerless and let their children walk all over them. These children would yell and curse at their parents, and the parents would just stand there. "Don't you know how much you hurt me?" one mother whines. "I don't care," replies her kid. And why should he? The kid was wearing about $156 worth of trendy clothes, listening to an iPod, standing in his room full of computers, phone, Playstation, TV, and more expensive clothes. Refresh my memory on how you're trying to punish this kid?

I imagine it started from birth. What none of them could understand is that their parenting skills are what got their kid that way in the first place. (I understand that outside forces can influence a child, but if a child has a solid home base, those influences can be dealt with). Being a push-over does not make for a good parent. Giving a kid everything his heart desires does not make him learn. Bribing a kid with toys, money, and goodies does not mean he's growing up. If you don't make your kid pick up his toys when he's young, how are you going to keep him off drugs later down the road. If he won't listen to you now, why should he listen to you later? Kids have a tendency to grow up. When they are teenagers it's too late to try and establish boundaries when you didn't do it earlier.

So they screwed up their kid or, hey, maybe he was just a bad apple. Instead of dealing with it themselves, they send the kid off to some desert camp so a stranger can be a hard-ass and turn their kid around. I admire what this camp does, and some kids NEED to be there, but it seems to me some of these parents are being a bit lazy.

My sister and mother will remind me, "You don't have any kids." True, but I don't have to have kids to understand the fundamentals of raising them. Children need rules, boundaries, limits, and discipline. Being a parent is a HARD job. You have to be both good cop and bad cop. You have to dole out the punishment, but you also get to dole out the rewards. Rewarding children for bad behavior (i.e. giving them cookies when they won't eat their dinner) confuses them. They then think they can get away with this behavior all the time. As a parent, you need to be CONSISTENT. If you say "Do that and (insert) will happen," you have to mean it. If you threaten them and they call you on it, you have to carry out your threat. If you set up rules and stick to them, children will learn just how far they can push you. They will also learn what rules are. If there are no rules in the home, then the outside world is going to be a hard, confusing place. If a kid's own parents don't mean what they say, why should they believe anyone else does? If their parents don't do what they say they will, how can a child be expected to believe anyone else?

Here's the kicker: If a child knows the rules, if there are staunchly set limits, then they can live happily and safely within those boundaries. Kids who know the rules and know what happens when they break those rules aren't in constant need of supervision. Thus, they are not in constant need of punishment, nagging, and worry. See how that works?

One thing that a lot of parents desperately need to understand is that their actions as a parent influence their children's lives. A kid shouldn't have to go to school to learn what rules and limits mean. A kid shouldn't have to learn about social behavior from their friends. A kid shouldn't have to learn life's lessons the hard way because their parents didn't have the balls to teach the lessons themselves. Parents need to listen just as much as they talk. A child is a developing adult. They deserve respect and understanding, too. Have I mentioned that being a parent is a hard job? It's so easy to screw up your kids.

In the life span of a human being, a parents job is relatively short lived. There is a small amount of time a parent has to turn their offspring into decent people. A parent's job is a crash-course in living. There are the basics - tie your shoes, poop in the potty, eat with a fork - but there are also the electives - be nice to people, have honor, have pride, know when to fight and know when to run, know how to treat other people with respect, learn how to stand up for yourself, learn about responsibility, learn how to have fun, learn how to stay alive, get an education, find love, mend a broken heart, have class, have compassion, recognize evil, work hard, be happy with who you are, help others, learn humility, don't interrupt, invest your money, take care of your pets, don't cheat on your significant other, be tolerant, don't judge, accept people for who they are, believe in something, don't fear change, have courage in hard times, know when to ask for help, play sports, enjoy life, be creative, recognize injustice, don't hit people, get a hobby, stay in shape, take blame for your own mistakes, forgive others for their's, don't be selfish, don't be a fool, travel, on and on and on.

The best way to teach these things is to lead by example. Children don't care what you say, it's what you do that matters. I hope the parents of "Brat Camp" learn that as much as their children.