Great Moments In Bitchery-ry-ry!
First of all, the song I was referencing last post was "Mother" by Danzig, har-har-har.
Do not mess with a woman and her cookies. Last night I ate a lot, late, so I said I wasn't going to eat anything bad today. Then the campus bookstore emails us and lets us know that employees will have a 50% discount on all baked goods today. We have a bakery here, I guess they made way to much good stuff and needed to clear space. So off to the bookstore I go in search of a present for my father and a cookie.
Oatmeal raisin cookies are my favorite. I will do shameful things for an oatmeal raisin cookie. (My husband knows this and enjoys it.) So I find a ******* for my dad, drop by the cookie table, grab a big, fat o-r cookie and head to the checkout.
Staff discounts must be logged, I don't know why. We have to sign our name every time. So I make my purchases, give them my employee ID, sign the paper, wait while the two clerks solve some billing problem for another customer, get my bag, and leave the store. I'm barely outside when I reach in the bag for my cookie.
Cookie?
Hellooooo, cookie?
No cookie!
I run back in the store to find my lost snack. It's on my receipt, I paid for it, and I want it now. I patiently wait while the person at my teller finishes their transaction. I step up to her only to be accosted by some small sorority slut in a freaking pair of shorts.
"Excuse me, I was next."
"I'm sorry, but I didn't get all of my items. This will take a second. Have you seen my cookie?"
The teller looks confused.
"I just bought this ******* and I had a cookie, too, but my cookie is not in the bag."
The teller looks at my receipt and goes in search of the missing morsel. I get a big sigh from Pi Beta Sluta. The teller looks all over her counter, on the back counter, and under the cash register. No cookie.
"I don't see it, are you sure you didn't get it?"
"I wouldn't come back here if I had. Besides, it's the size of a Frisbee, how could I misplace it?"
So she calls out, "Has anyone seen a cookie back here?"
Utter silence.
Blank stares.
Another sigh from Pi Beta Sluta.
"Well, I'll just wait over here while you look for it."
So I graciously step to the side and allow Pi Beta Sluta to buy her magazine and soda. Then I watch as two more people cash out. Still no cookie.
Just so you know, my patience has a limit, and I reached it about the time I walked back through the door. I felt I held on as long as I could.
"Excuse me, but have you found my cookie?"
"Oh, no. Why don't you get another one."
Great. I go back to the table. No oatmeal raisin cookies left.
"There are no oatmeal raisin cookies left. Are you sure you don't have it back here?"
"No, ma'am, I've looked (she hadn't). Don't you like chocolate chip?"
"I love chocolate chip. But I like oatmeal raisin much better. I want my cookie."
"I can give you your money back."
"I. Want. My. COOKIE!"
Silence unrivaled by that of an Egyptian tomb falls upon the bookstore.
A small voice squeaks up, "Is this it?"
Back by the paperwork we have to sign for discounts is my cookie. In plain sight. Right there waiting for me to claim it. Squeaky hands me my cookie and all is well in the Barbarian horde once again.
They probably have my ID number and photo taped like a wanted poster to every register now.
The cookie was delish.
Do not mess with a woman and her cookies. Last night I ate a lot, late, so I said I wasn't going to eat anything bad today. Then the campus bookstore emails us and lets us know that employees will have a 50% discount on all baked goods today. We have a bakery here, I guess they made way to much good stuff and needed to clear space. So off to the bookstore I go in search of a present for my father and a cookie.
Oatmeal raisin cookies are my favorite. I will do shameful things for an oatmeal raisin cookie. (My husband knows this and enjoys it.) So I find a ******* for my dad, drop by the cookie table, grab a big, fat o-r cookie and head to the checkout.
Staff discounts must be logged, I don't know why. We have to sign our name every time. So I make my purchases, give them my employee ID, sign the paper, wait while the two clerks solve some billing problem for another customer, get my bag, and leave the store. I'm barely outside when I reach in the bag for my cookie.
Cookie?
Hellooooo, cookie?
No cookie!
I run back in the store to find my lost snack. It's on my receipt, I paid for it, and I want it now. I patiently wait while the person at my teller finishes their transaction. I step up to her only to be accosted by some small sorority slut in a freaking pair of shorts.
"Excuse me, I was next."
"I'm sorry, but I didn't get all of my items. This will take a second. Have you seen my cookie?"
The teller looks confused.
"I just bought this ******* and I had a cookie, too, but my cookie is not in the bag."
The teller looks at my receipt and goes in search of the missing morsel. I get a big sigh from Pi Beta Sluta. The teller looks all over her counter, on the back counter, and under the cash register. No cookie.
"I don't see it, are you sure you didn't get it?"
"I wouldn't come back here if I had. Besides, it's the size of a Frisbee, how could I misplace it?"
So she calls out, "Has anyone seen a cookie back here?"
Utter silence.
Blank stares.
Another sigh from Pi Beta Sluta.
"Well, I'll just wait over here while you look for it."
So I graciously step to the side and allow Pi Beta Sluta to buy her magazine and soda. Then I watch as two more people cash out. Still no cookie.
Just so you know, my patience has a limit, and I reached it about the time I walked back through the door. I felt I held on as long as I could.
"Excuse me, but have you found my cookie?"
"Oh, no. Why don't you get another one."
Great. I go back to the table. No oatmeal raisin cookies left.
"There are no oatmeal raisin cookies left. Are you sure you don't have it back here?"
"No, ma'am, I've looked (she hadn't). Don't you like chocolate chip?"
"I love chocolate chip. But I like oatmeal raisin much better. I want my cookie."
"I can give you your money back."
"I. Want. My. COOKIE!"
Silence unrivaled by that of an Egyptian tomb falls upon the bookstore.
A small voice squeaks up, "Is this it?"
Back by the paperwork we have to sign for discounts is my cookie. In plain sight. Right there waiting for me to claim it. Squeaky hands me my cookie and all is well in the Barbarian horde once again.
They probably have my ID number and photo taped like a wanted poster to every register now.
The cookie was delish.
posted by Barbarian02003 | Thursday, November 16, 2006
6 Comments:
That was a funny cookie story. I hate when people say they looking for something or otherwise "doing something" when they clearly are not. They know it, you know it, but they just say they are doing it anyway. So you have to become the bitch, the bastard, the raving asshole, because if you're a nice person you get nothing but screwed.
I hate when people make me do that.... I hate being like that.
Man, your dad's getting a row of asterisks?!?! THAT"S AWESOME!
I always told my parent's I wanted some of those when i was a kid, but I never any... ever. That's when i knew there was no Santa.
YEAH! That's right kids, NO SANTA! GET USED TO IT!!! It ain't gonna be the last crushing disappointment in your lives, NOT BY A LONG SHOT!
[Man... how did I get all the way to that^]
I think the cookie fetish thing is a terrific piece of information to have. Did he ask about that in advance? How did he bring it up? Every man should find that one food item that will make his wife do deviant stuff.
You can't imagine what I will do for meatloaf.
Matto, here's a gift just for you - **************************************
Oh I've given you meat loaf before. . . remember?
Your cookie story was great! I loved your description of the sorority bitch. I'm surprised you didn't turn around and ask her if she was having a hard time breathing with all of that sighing going on!
OMG! Its better that what i dreamed it could be!
Oatmeal raisin cookies are my favorite too. The best ones in the city are at Southwest Deli (on the corner of Southwest and Brannon) over on The Hill. If you eat lunch in the deli they give you a free one.
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