Barbarian's Recipe for Pumpkin Pie

Get one pumpkin, 8 - 10 inches around.
Find recipe on internet, write down word for word.
Realize you don't have all the spices you need.
Go to store and get spices.
Realize you don't have the milk that you will need.
Go back to store and get milk.
Wait until weekend as recipe requires a lot of time.


Wash and dry the pumpkin.
Find serated kitchen knife to cut pumpkin in half.
Realize knife will not work, get bigger knife.
Realize bigger knife may skip off hard surface of pumpkin and cut off fingers.
Go back to smaller knife.
Hack, chop, and stab a slit into side of pumpkin.
Grab cleaver, wedge in crack, whack pumpkin against kitchen counter until it finally bursts open.
Clean as many seeds off the floor, cabinets, and counter before dog licks them up.
Clean gunk of microwave and stove before it dries.
Drink one beer to celebrate your victory over pumpkin.

Scoop out seeds and place them in bowl of water. Set aside.
Place pumpkin halves in microwave safe dish. Pour in two inches of water.
Place in microwave.
Realize pan is just too big for microwave. Door will close, but pan will bump against microwave walls and doors, driving you crazy.
After 15 minutes, check on pumpkin.
Burn fingers on pan.
Spill hot water down the front of you.
Put pumpkin back in for 10 minutes.

Take hot pumpkin from microwave, burn fingers again.
Berate yourself for burning fingers again.
Scoop hot ass pumpkin from shell.
Place in bowl.
Set aside.
Drink another beer to cool off burned fingers.

Take 3/4 cup crisco and 1.5 cup flour, mix in bowl.
Arms tire from mixing dough.
Add a bit of water to create dough.
Arms begin to shake from effort.
Take dough out and roll into big circle, or what would be a big circle if edges didn't keep breaking off. Pack, push, and spread dough into something that will cover the pie pan.
Cut off excess. Put ball of leftover dough in mouth.
Spit horrible dough in the trash can and drink one full beer to erase taste from mouth.
Mix pie ingredients well and pour into pie pan.
Remember oven was supposed to be heated to 400. Turn oven on and wait 10 minutes.
Discover you forgot to add sugar to mixture. Pour pie back in bowl, mix in sugar, and repour.
Oven will be hot by now.
Place pie in oven and back 10 minutes at 400. Lower temp of oven to 350 and cook for another 50 minutes.
Drink another beer now that the worst is over.
Forget about pie while doing laundry.
80 minutes later pull pie out of oven and hope it's not burnt.

Take nap and vow to buy canned pumpkin from now on.