Happy Halloween!

Happy-Happy Halloween, Halloween, Hall-o-ween! Happy-happy Halloween from the Bar-bar-ian!

Today is a great day. It's chilly, it's not raining, it's Halloween, and it's my 3 year anniversary. I am in such a good mood that the fake nails I'm wearing that inhibit my typing capabilities doesn't even bother me. Look, I've been typing 30 minutes and already I have 6 sentences. This is going to be a short post.

I hope all you goblins and ghouls have a safe, fun, and profitable evening. We will be handing out Play-dough. If we have too much candy left over I usually eat it all. We get a whole 6 to 8 kids usually. Ooooo.

Blessed be, y'all.

St. Louis is #1!

Check out our fine city.

My husband had a vasectomy last Friday. There are two things I discovered about myself this weekend.

1) I would not make a good caregiver. Friday I felt sorry for hubby. He was in pain and walking all funny and moaning a lot. I stuck close and made sure he had everything he wanted. I did laundry, fixed meals, cleaned the house, fetched drinks, you name it. And I liked it. It made me feel very useful and cuddly. Saturday my man was doing better but he still could not function normally. I had to drop the dog off at the groomers, go grocery shopping, get the dog from the groomer, fix the meals, fetch drinks, and clean the house. Alone. I was still okay with it, poor hubby was still in pain.

By Sunday the novelty of taking care of my man wore off quickly. He was okay now, he could get his own damn drinks and fix his own damn food. I had laundry to do (still!). I have a period every month complete with cramps, pain, and bleeding, do you see me laying around? No, I have to function normally. By Sunday night hubby was on his own and I didn't care one bit.

2) I have to clarify, AGAIN, that I do not want to have a baby. I love my mother but sometimes.... She calls Sunday and its, "How do you feel now that Hubby has done this? You realize it's final, right? Now you'll never have a baby. How does this affect you?"

I'm FINE WITH IT! I feel GREAT!

First of all, Hubby did not make this decision alone. In fact, if you'll remember, I am the one who gave hubby the deadline. I'm the one who said this surgery would happen this year or there would be great consequences. I am NOT some helpless victim being forced to live with the decision my husband makes. If I wanted to have a baby I would have one. BUT I DON'T WANT A BABY! Me, my choice, my decision, one that I made when I was 15 years old.

Others not being able to live with my decision is not my problem. If you can't listen to me and understand my words, if you fool yourself into thinking I will change my mind, than that is YOUR problem.

So, for the last time, so there is no confusion among any of my friends and family members, I will spell it out for everyone.

I. Do. Not. Want. A. Baby.
I do not want the piss, shit, and vomit that comes with a baby. The sleepless nights, the long hours of rocking, feeding, and cleaning. I do not want to turn my life upside down because I have a kid. I do not want my hard earned money to disappear down that kid's endless open pie-hole. I do not want to teach anyone how to talk, walk, run, ride a bike, or drive a car. I do not want the worry, fear, heart-ache, and exasperation that a kid brings. I do not want to have my house torn apart, my things ruined or broken, and my time monopolized. I do not want to worry about the education, friends, psychological damage, or limb extraction that can occur with having a kid. I DON'T WANT IT.

And yes, I'm missing out on the hugs and kisses and cute little things kids do. I don't care. The trade-off is not worth it to me. "But they bring so much love to your life!" So do pets, and I have two of those. I am happy being childless. I am happy knowing I don't have to deal with alllllllllllllllllll the issues a kid brings to one's life. I am happy that I found a man who agrees with me. I like knowing my money is my own, my home is my own, my time is my own, and my life is my own. I was not forced into this decision, it is my own.

Do you get it now? How many more times can I say it?

It doesn't matter how many babies are pointed out to me, it doesn't matter how many "We only got one grandchild now" speeches I hear from my father, it doesn't matter how many conversations I'm forced to have (and you're not clever, you may be using different words but the topic is always the same), I am not changing my mind. I am solid on this. I stand firm. I'm tired of the questions and the endless barrage of nagging. I'm not having a kid.

I love my nephew, but if talking about him is going to segway into talking about my having a kid I swear, I'll stop seeing him just to end it. I'll hole myself up in my home and not use the phone, email, or even letters to communicate. I'll close myself off completely just to avoid having to repeat my self over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over, over, over, over, over, over, over and over again!

Hunka Hunka

I have a topic that is occupying my mind. I'm not quite yet ready to talk about it, it's a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care.

In the meantime, please take a look at the incredibly hot guy that Lance Bass landed. I have never thought that Lance was a good looking guy. I mean, he has nice eyes and he's not ugly, but gay or straight he's not really my type. When I saw a picture of his boy toy, all I could say was DAMN, it makes me sad that he's gay.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Election time. Time for all the lying, conniving, pig-headed candidates to throw as much mud as they can on each other before Nov. 7th. Time for those eggheaded retards to grab their anti-abortion signs and protest stem cell research even though they have no idea what stem cell research is all about. Time for all of these elected officials to make excuses for why they didn't do what they said they would the last time elections rolled around.

You know, humanity can not be destroyed fast enough. We are selfish, lazy, greedy, wasteful, destructive, self-absorbed, egotistical, finger-pointing, irresponsible eating machines that suck up any resource around us until we deplete it. We have ruined this planet. We have ruined humanity. We are so corrupt that no one can trust any of us. And stupid? Oh yeah, we're pretty damn stupid. We are so self-centered that we can't see past our own noses. Oh, and we love war. We love it, don't try to say we don't. From the line at the grocery store to South Korea we LOVE a good fight. We want to prove to you that we're right no matter what it takes. Or what it destroys.

Money is all we care about. And power, oh, let's not forget about power. We crave it. We have to have it. Power is the main reason we screw ourselves over and over again. Everyone wants it, don't be fooled by those who say they don't. Power and money are what make the world go round.

Without humans this planet would clean itself up. Without us the animal would live in peaceful harmony - You need to eat? Kill something. And if it's bigger than you, you could be dinner.

Imagine...no war, no poverty, no disease, no murder, and no class lines. No corruption, no lies, and no struggles. No depression or anxiety. No pollution, no materialism. Just the wind, rain, sun, and air. How I'd love to live in a place like that.

WOW!

Check out this kid. He's amazing. He's blind, really blind as both his eyes have been removed, but he acts like that's nothing. An incredible story like this reminds me that there are good things in life, things that inspire me. What an incredible mom. If you don't feel anything for this family than you have a heart of stone.

So many kids today are coddled and sheltered, so many of them would lay around all day going, "Woe is me, I'm broken." And how many of their mothers would sit back and let them wallow? Too many. This lady should become an inspirational speaker.

What A Wonderful Weekend

This Saturday Alissa, her son A, my nephew B-Butt, and his Dad, M, went to Eckert's Farm to pick apples. I have never done this before and was really looking forward to it. It was a beautiful day! The sun was shining and the wind was cool but not too heavy. I didn't think we'd get to do it at first. There was an incredibly long line of people waiting for the tractors. One of the workers finally let us know that the line was for pumpkin pickers, that line was apples. That line was wayyyyy shorter.

We were driven out into the orchards and let loose. I only tripped over five or six apples. I didn't know they'd be laying on the ground like that. I don't know what I expected, maybe that all the apples would still be on the tree? I don't know, but it was fun. I filled my bag halfway and ate one small one while waiting for the tractor back. Both the boys were really good, A is 3 while B-Butt is almost 7. After coming back we hit the pumpkins. I love pumpkins. They're so round and...orange. I told B-Butt I would buy him one so sure enough he goes and finds the biggest one he can carry. We said good-bye with hugs and kisses.

Alissa and I dropped off her son then proceeded to my house for drinks and getting ready. We painted a few things for Christmas while gabbing and relaxing with a few nice, cold drinks. Then we dolled ourselves up and went on the town. There is a place here called Boogaloo's. It's Cuban. The food is excellent! The drinks aren't half bad, either. At the bar instead of having bar stools they have swings. We swung, ate, and talked until about 6:30. Then we decided to hit the city.

Strange thing about getting older. Time seems to change on ya. We got to this bar and found we were the only two people in it. The DJ for the evening was just starting to set up his equipment.
"Where is everyone, " we asked. The bartender looked at her watch and said, "It's only 7." Duh. We each had one beer and then decided to go back to my house. It was time to go to a haunted house.

We convinced my husband to drive as we were planning on drinking a lot more. We decided to go to Silo X, the fun house advertised as 4 houses in 1. The price is $20.
Here is my review:
For the price of admission for two people at Silo X onc can go to Johnnie Brocks, rent a fog machine, fill their house with fog, then try to find their way in and out of said house four times, then return the machine and go about their merry way.

Of the four haunts, only two could be experienced. The other two were so foggy that nothing could be seen. We had to feel for the walls and, when a wall was not present, trip and fall over the unseen props until we crashed through a wall or found the way out. Coupled with this was a smoker bound and determined to smoke his fucking cigarettes no matter how many times he was warned he could burn the place down. Apparently fog can be flammable. With this jerk behind us I was scared all right, but not from the haunts. I was jammed into a building, blind, chocking on fog fumes, with a suicidal asshole nipping at my heels. Instead of enjoying the atmosphere I was searching for escape routes should the place burst into flames.

The only cool thing was the dragon at the end. You entered through the mouth, made your way through it's digestive track, then came out the butt. It was cute, had I not been woozy from the fog juice or planning ways to kill the guy behind us I may have enjoyed it. Save your money, folks. Go visit the Darkness or one of the other haunted houses.

Back at the house we watched a horribly bad movie called Haunted Prison. Alissa fell asleep half way through. I shortly joined her. The next morning she left and it was sleep, eat, watch football, sleep some more day. My sister called to say B-Butt was protecting his pumpkin like the German's protected the Wall. No one can touch Mr. Pumpkin without B-Butt's permission. What is he going to do when they carve it?

All in all a very relaxing time. Now it's back to work.

Before our wild night out. There are no after pictures. 

Me and the nephew at Eckert's. 

The Bigger the Head, the Louder the Splat

I can't go into much detail but an event has taken place here at work that makes me very happy. I should feel bad about that because the event is devastating for the person to which it occurred. However, this person was such a freaking asshole jerk that I find it hard to dredge up any sympathy.

In the world of science there are men who confuse themselves with God once they complete their degree and branch out on their own. They have egos as big as skyscrapers and openly treat others with disdain and rudeness. This particular fellow was an exceptional snob. He had no time for anyone unless they had a slew of initials behind their name. Nothing was good enough for him, and he was too good to do anything he deemed beneath him, like talk to us secretaries.

Certain men like this feel women don't belong in science. We should be back in the kitchen making a pie with a bun already in the oven. This particular man didn't see why ANY woman should be in the work force. All of us secretaries were treated to his egotistical opinion on a regular basis.

He wasn't two faced, he had about four faces. He put down other scientists, no matter how smart or successful those scientists might be. If a professor had a success he would find a way to put it down or minimalize it in order to make himself look superior. And he was a horrible ass-kisser to the few people he did admire.

In the academic world there is a prize every professor wants. It is a prize voted on by the rest of the faculty. This asshole was DENIED! Yeah, bo-oy, that's right, his colleagues got together and put a big fat X on his forehead. BWA-HA-HA, take that you narcissistic jackass. Who's a big shot now, huh? Huh? Oh, got nothin' to say? Where is the attitude NOW?!? Oh, don't try to hide in your office and act like nothing happened. We all know, even us stupid, worthless secretaries.

And I say unto ye, he who talks mostest will shut-up the fastest when the smack down comes upon him.

Can I get an, "Amen!"

I am the destruction Diva, thank you very much.

Tuesday morning when I came into my office and turned on the light I heard a, "Zzzzzzt, POP!" Then the whole left side of my building went dark.

Great.

Two of my professors come running out of their offices, "What did you do?"

"I turned on my light."

"You turned on your light? That's it?"

"Yes, my plan to totally ruin your day went a lot easier than I thought it would."

Some of the labs also went dark, creating a chorus of shrill beeps that put most of the grad students in a panic. The maintenance guys were there in a flash (they should be, seeing as they hang out in our lounge all day doing nothing). They replaced the bust bulbs and a breaker before finding out that something else blew up and they'd have to fix that, too. It took about 30 minutes to restore power. All was well.

I did not come to work yesterday. I came in this morning to find two candles and a book of matches taped to my door. I don't know who did it but I have my suspicions. Don't blame me when the building catches fire...

Our Dog Is Not Gay

When we went on vacation last week we took our dog to stay with his cousins in IL for the duration. When we came back to pick him up we learned a disturbing fact about our precious boy.

He seems to like to lick other dogs...well, dicks. He likes to like other dogs dicks. That, and he likes to hump the other dogs. A lot.

My husband attributed this to the two older dogs. You know, like in a prison. They forced our poor puppy to perform rude sex acts as a means of control and intimidation. He was the new fish, after all. It's not like there were any female dogs around. You gotta do what you gotta do, you know?

I have watched our boy very closely since we got him back and I have come to this conclusion. I think Beo would probably do anything, male or female, if given the chance. That means our dog is not gay (Stop calling him Gay-o, D!). Our dog is bi. He's an equal opportunity humper. If the cat didn't put up such a fuss he'd probably try and screw him. No wonder he's so happy, he sees every animal as a possible good time.

Except us. Even when they are wrestling around on the floor Beo has yet to try and hump my husband. I think we're not his type. Maybe humans are too intimidating, or he's afraid if we become sex objects we'll stop feeding him. He doesn't understand that we can do both at once. I'd like to keep it that way. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting a horny dog off the leg of a visitor. Christmas is going to be at our house, that would be a disaster.

Now that I think about it, I'll have to keep a close eye on my nephew. He's about the same size as our cousins' dogs. Beo might get confused. I'll have to have several bone-bones handy just in case.

Freaking Monday

Why do only the MORONS drive to work on rainy Mondays? I must have met 47 of them on my way to work this morning. It's rain, people, not acid. Step on the fucking gas.

I love my mother. But, I'm a bit disturbed by my mother's attitude over her recent cruise. She didn't seem to have as much fun on this one as she did before. I know this because those were her exact words. She had a good time, but, "It wasn't like the first time," she said.

Well, nothing is. Whether it's eating chocolate, going on a trip, visiting an amusement park, or even sex, it will never be the same after the first time. That's why we always remember our first times....because they were first. So, expecting something to be just like the first time is setting yourself up for disappointment before you even step foot on the boat.

She also did not play Bingo. If you'll remember, last cruise my mom won $600. But, hey, if you don't play, you don't win. Coupled with the fact that the comedian and cruise director were the EXACT SAME ONES she had before also made things a little less enjoyable.

All together now, "Awwwwww."

Here's what I think. You were away from work in a relaxing atmosphere where people were paid to kiss your ass. You were with good friends and the man you love. You got to eat whatever your heart desired and watch spectacular shows for free. You saw the beauty of the ocean and visited a country you've never been to before. For that entire week you were taken care of and free to do anything your heart desired. So stop it with the "buts."

Last week the rest of us went to work, slugged through traffic, dealt with the weather, dealt with the idiots, paid bills, washed clothes, cleaned house, ate horribly, sat in front of the TV too long, and pretty much just tried to survive.

I plan on going on another cruise within the next year or so. Unless the boat catches on fire or hits an iceberg and sinks I am going to have a wonderful time. Why? Because I won't be here.

Tha...tha...tha...that's all, folks.

Boys and Girls...

It's story time.

When I lived in Savannah I worked for a catering company. The best catering company in Savannah, thank you very much. J and A were the married couple that ran the place. At that time they had the kitchen in their garage, so after work we'd always end up in a glass of bourbon or, if the mood struck, their heated pool. I became very close to J and A and when we left I missed them very much.

When J and A came to Savannah they had 1 car, 2 dogs, and $50 to their name. Now they own a HUGE house with a HUGE yard. J likes toys, especially those of the electronic persuasion, and I think he owns just about every one. He has a 72-inch flat screen HD TV, Xbox 360, tons of gaming stuff to go with it, DVD players out the wazoo, and enough remote controls to cover the kitchen floor. He also likes things that move, so he owns a Goldwing motorcycle. The business has since moved into a building (they built it and own it), so the garage now has space for A's VW bug and J's brand new car.

When we first arrived J had to take us around the house and show off the new toys he and A have acquired. Hubby and I "Oooooo" and "Awwwww"ed our way through all of it. Hubby tried to keep it cool, you know, like, "That's nice, yeah, but I'm not impressed." Then J took us into the garage and turned on the light. There sat a brand new green Jaguar. Hubby spontaneously burst into drooling. J even let him sit in it and start it up. When A got home later she said, "No one sits in that car, not even me, and I've never been allowed to start it."

We quickly put our stuff in our room and had drinks. It had been two years since our last visit, there was a lot of catching up to do. A has a lot of birds, she always has, but this time she has one that will sit on your finger. I've never held a bird before, it was the coolest thing ever. Even when the little bitch pecked the shit out of me I loved it. They built a new sun room onto the house, it was beautiful. How A can work so hard and still keep all her plants alive is beyond me.

The next day we visited another friend of ours, S. S and her husband bought a house two years ago that was one day away from being condemned. The location is prime, right on the marsh and just full of trees, but the house? Awful would be a compliment. Aside from the fact that it was dirty and infested with rodents, the rooms were small and the layout just didn't make any sense. They owned a perfectly good house in town, what possessed them to buy this money pit?
Fast forward two years. The house is fabulous. They worked their asses off to make it what it is. They still aren't done, but the improvement is spectacular. They also had a kid in this short time, I don't know how they manage it. S owns her own wedding coordinating business and is busy, busy, busy. She took the day off to be with us, so....drinking! Three margaritas and two beers later hubby poured me in the car and we went home. I had to take a nap. That night J fixed us New York strip steak, crab legs, corn on the cob, and potatoes. Oh, how I love to be spoiled!

One thing that visiting J and A always does to me is make me feel poor. We, hubby and I, are working on it, but they have a good 20 years on us. We drove to Hilton Head, SC, to visit a friend of ours that went to school with my husband. G and his wife, I, live in a rented bungalow where the only things they own are a TV and the clothes on their backs. This made me feel great! Not that I want our friend to live in squalor, but man, we are doing pretty well compared to them. It's all about perspective. However, G is a very motivated and aggressive guy. They'll be in a mansion with a butler before you know it.

The rest of our time was spent shopping, eating, drinking, and lazing around the gardens at J and A's house. Oh, and getting a new tire. Seems the roofers left a few nails in the driveway for our arrival. Thanks, guys!

A little blurry, but isn't Savannah pretty? 

The Queen with her spider glass sitting on the throne. 

A little more of the garden. 

This is a small part of A's garden. Behind me is the in ground pool/hot tub. To my left is the tool shed, and if I were to get up and walk straight I'd hit the gazeebo. 

Me - in the chairs waiting for S to show up. That girl is always behind.

The chairs at S's house.

This was taken while sitting on their back porch. 

This is the master bath. To the right of me, not pictured, is the little room that holds the toilet. Behind me is the walk-in closet (and I mean walk in). Where the ironing board is will be the claw-footed bathtub - currently on backorder. 

The upper balcony. Can you see the marsh mud? That's how close the water is. 

Excuse the messy master bedroom, I told you S was busy. To the left of the bed is the door to the upper balcony. 

This is the little girl's bathroom. Yep, Princess is barley a toddler and has her own potty. Her room was pink, too, but it makde me too ill to take a picture. 

There are two of these, I would kill to have them in my house. 

The only original part of the house. Redone, of 'course. 

The living room, and S explaining that all the furniture in the lower half of the house is going to be replaced. 

The dining room off the kitchen. The wallpaper was a dissapointment, it will be gone soon. 

S, in blue, and hubby admire her new kitchen. Only half this space existed when she bought the place. 

This is S's house. The third section with the balconies did not exist when the house was sold. The siding is new as well. 

I'm Back

Busy. Photos and stories soon.

Tally Ho

I'm going on vacation, y'all. I'm going home to Savannah to spend time in a hot pool with a cool drink. Hubby and I are wishing you well.

Alissa and I looking Hot-ah! with our Charger for the night. 

Purse #4

Oh, the dragon is so scary even dogs are weary of it!

Purse #3

I made this purse for my mother. Last year we went on a cruise to the Bahamas. This year she and my dad are going to Mexico. Carnival Cruise Lines always has a welcome back party for previous guests. I made this purse for her to show off her previous destination.

Purse #2

Darth Tator shows off the box I made for all my hair supplies. I keep this one in my bathroom.

What a Wonderful Weekend Will Do

I much more relaxed than I was on Friday. Lots of beer and football will do that to a person.

As a stress releiver I make purses. I've finally photographed a few and will show them to you now.

This is a set I made for my best friend. The small one is for earrings and the larger for necklances.

The small one can fit nicely inside the big one. Both have soft bottoms as to not scratch up any furniture.