Stupid is as Stupid Does

We are having a graduate student recruiting weekend here at my university and one of our invited guests missed her flight. How can you miss a flight? Did you not know it was coming? Did you think the plane was a private jet waiting for you to show up whenever you damn well felt like it? How, HOW can you miss a flight?

When it comes to this department, graduate student positions are limited. It's up to the professor to decide who he takes on and how many students he needs. Therefore, during this grad. recruiting, it is our job to show the students how lucky will be to get hired, and it is their job to prove to us that they deserve it. I know that sounds harsh, but this ain't no community college. Our name on your resume is a very big deal.

So when we invite you to come visit us it is a privilege. We don't invite just anybody. You have to have some pretty impressive test scores, a lot of experience, very good references, and research that will fit into the discipline of the existing research we are already conducting. We pay for everything; flight, hotel, meals, transportation, entertainment, and a pretty good gift bag. All these students have to do is catch their flight. That's it.

She couldn't do something that simple. The girl who missed her flight had horrible test scores, little experience, and her research isn't that ground breaking. She was invited as a favor to an old associate who vouched for her character. Her excuse? "I was just late." Oh, well, that explains everything! This girl now has a -100% chance of being accepted here. She is looked upon as a waste of time, money, and energy. Who's impressed by irresponsibility? If you can't catch a flight, you ain't touching my cancer research, hear?

Life's lesson: don't be lazy.

Great Moments In Bitchery

Long ago I worked for an auto parts company we'll call FM (no, it's not Fuck your Mother, but they would if it meant they could make more money). I worked in customer service which meant I sat in a cubicle all day wearing a headset taking orders over the phone. It was a mind-numbingly boring job, but hey, it was a job. After working there for less than a year my manager decided that I would make a perfect trainer. Did my pay increase? Hell no. But since I took the most volume of calls each day, because the other lazy-ass bastards I worked with goofed off, I got the job. Come one Monday morning I walked into work to meet Jim. Jim would spend the next five days with me to learn the system.

Jim was an idiot. He couldn't remember anything, not even the simplest task of how to answer the phone (you pushed a button). Jim also had a very nasty case of psoriasis all over both his arms. He liked to roll up his shirt sleeves after lunch. At the end of the day my desk was covered with dried skin like the snow-cap of Mnt. Kilimanjaro. Jim was also an asshole. He felt he didn't need a woman telling him what to do. He never paid attention, messed up every order, and let me do all the work. After the first day I told my boss he was useless, so of'course at the end of the week they hired him. They gave him the cubicle next to mine.

Jim came to work late and left early, took an hour and a half for lunch (we got 45 minutes), took three coffee breaks a day (we got none) and when he was at his desk it was this:
"Hi, honey, I just wanted to call to say I love you....no, I love you......no, I loooove youoouououou..." in his whiney, pussy-whipped voice that grated on every one of my last nerves. Jim also knew everything. Oh yes, it didn't matter what you talked about, Jim was an expert. He was always right.

So one day Jim is talking through the cubicle wall to another associate about the band Fleetwood Mac. The conversation went a little something like this:
Jim: "I just love Fleetwood Mac, they're one of my favorite bands. I listen to them all the time and have all their albums. I saw them in Philly when I was younger."
Other guy: "That Lindsay Buckingham is a phenomenal guitar player."
Jim: "Oh, I know. I just love her. She's amazing. One of my favorites."
Me: "Oh? You love Fleetwood Mac, eh?"
Jim: "Yes. I just said I did."
Me: "And you like Lindsay?"
Jim: "I think she's great."
Me: "Lindsay Buckingham is a GUY, Jim."
Silence.

This has been a Great Moment In Bitchery-ry-ry-ry

Overheard Conversation

Working in the chemistry department at my big-time University means that I am surrounded by the crem-de-la-crem of nerds. Today I witnessed this:

Nerd #1 and Nerd #2 are walking down the hall together. Nerd #1 asks Nerd #2, "Did you get my email?"

Nerd #2 stops and pulls out his cell phone. He scrolls through it a bit, then says, "No. What's it about?"

Nerd #1: "That NMR problem."

Nerd #2: "No, I didn't get it. When did you send it?" To which Nerd #1 pulls out his cell phone and scrolls down, "9:42 this morning."

Nerd #1: "Send it again."

Nerd #2: "Done."

They both put their phones back into their pockets and walk away...in silence!

Just for the Record

You know that minister that was shot by his own wife, then she ran off with their three daughters only to be busted at a Waffle House? They say they have a motive for the slaying, but won't tell. Here is my prediction: Daddy was diddling the daughters. Why else would a pastor's wife fill him full of lead when everyone else in the community said he was as good as good gets? No one, especially one married to a pastor, wakes up one day and says, "I think I'll kill my husband."

That's my take, wifey shot daddy full of holes because daddy couldn't keep his hands to himself.

So Darn Cute!

This weekend we gave Beo a bath. He has a special shampoo we have to use for a month or so to get rid of any leftover mites that may be holding on. Hubby put on a pair of shorts and lured Beo into the bathtub. Well, he lured him to the edge, then had to pick him up and put him in because Beo is a bit of a wus when it comes to the unknown. So anyway, he fills the tub and shampoos him head to toe. Beo isn't thrilled but he's not complaining, either. Then hubby turned on the shower.

OH JOY! Beo started dancing about and lifting his big head to lick at the water. He loved it, so much so that the next shampoo didn't dampen his spirits. Where's the water from the sky? Where's the water from the sky? There it is! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Meanwhile, the cat sat in the door of the bathroom with a look on his face that could only mean one thing, "You bastard!" Here he thought the dog was going to get his and the big lout ends up enjoying it.

Last night I had the wierdest dream. I was a participant on The Apprentice with Donald Trump, Siaed and Sawyer from Lost were there trying to overtake a group of terrorists while I learned about the salads served in Trump Tower, the whole time trying to figure out the name of the actor who played James Kirk on Star Trek. I woke up screaming "William Shatner!"

Our Future

It must be high school day at the University today. All the Seniors and Juniors from the local high schools are running around here like third graders on an extended recess. When I was in high school and went to an University I always tried to act cool because I knew college was different. I didn't want all the cute guys lumping me in with the idiots, I wanted to seem older and more mature. These freaks don't seem to care. They're loud, obnoxious, and stupid. I wonder how they managed to make it this far in the first place.

It's 38 degrees and there are idiots wearing shorts. Are you retarded? Seriously, are you that challenged? Or did you want to see if anyone would look at you and say, "What a stupid dumbass." Well, congratulations, I looked at you and I said to myself, "What a stupid dumbass." I wish I had seen you yesterday when there was snow on the ground. I would have knocked you unconscious and buried your legs in the snow. Then you could wear shorts all the time because you legs would end at the knee. What do you do when it's 55 degrees, go naked?

What I love are the little high school girls who dressed in shorts and tank tops so the college guys could check out their nice little bodies, but all they see is a gaggle of girls huddled together, arms across chests, heads down, hurrying toward any warm space. Yeah, that leaves a great impression.

If these are the future leaders of our country we are in serious trouble.

Prison Sucks

As if the bad food, cold showers, lack of freedom, and fear of rape isn't enough to worry about, there's this.

HA!

For all those people who told me I'd never get a job "lookin like that."

Rest In Peace, Melissa P.

Alissa's mother slipped away yesterday just as Alissa was stepping off the plane in Colorado. I can't tell you how sad this makes me. Please offer up a small prayer or thought for my friend, she's going through something right now I can't even comprehend. She is surrounded by loving friends of her mother's and seems to be doing well.

Death Visits Again

I have a story for you.

A girl who is adopted finally decides, after 32 years, that she wants to know who her birth mother is. She finally decides to put her ghosts away and move forward. She deals with her immature and over-bearing adopted mother's attitude of betrayal and control issues. She deals with the uncertainty of meeting a woman who gave her up. She found her birth mother a little over a year ago. Her birth mother lives in Colorado. They have seen each other twice. Now this girl is on a plane to Colorado to watch her real mother die. Real mother has cancer, really bad cancer, and in a short month has gone from diagnosis to death bed. Being the only blood relative around, this girl will have to decide when to take her birth mother off the machines and let her go. She will have to arrange the cremation. She will have to deal with all the questions and loose ends a death provides. I wish I could tell you this was the ABC Story of the Month, but it's not. It's my best friend Alissa's story and it sucks.

The birth mother is not close to her family back in St. Louis. Now my friend will be the one to answer questions, should there be any, from a family who didn't give a shit and she's never met. She has to be the sole support for her real mother's boyfriend. She has to decide, well, everything. Alissa's boyfriend is staying home with the kid, Alissa is alone and it breaks my heart. She is dealing with a lot right now and I wish there was some way I could help.

All we can do is wait for her to get back and lavish her with love and support.

Lets Talk About a Hero

I'd like to dedicate this post to Harold Hatley, a brave man who gave his life so others might live. I don't know Harold, we've never met. But to hear about the bravery of an old man, who had no obligation to sacrifice himself, stepping into the path of an obviously crazy man holding a gun, well, that takes balls as big as church bells. I hope you're lying next to Marilyn Monroe on a sunny beach drinking a Mai Tai, Harold, you deserve a wonderful afterlife. There can be no solace for your family, I'm sure you will be missed. But I hope the fact that you died a hero offers a little comfort.

Please take a moment to offer up a little prayer for Harold and his family.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. This is my sister's favorite holiday, I bet she's out standing in the cold with her son and boyfriend waiting for the Dogtown parade to start. No thank you. I'll just eat my corned beed and cabbage and think about all things green. I don't like big crowds. The only one I toloerate is Mardi Gras and I've already missed that.

Erin Go Braless, Y'all!

PMS

Can President Egghead put on a turban already so all the Christians can see he's the anti-Christ? This man is going to end the world, you watch. If we don't end up nuking someone, someone is going to nuke us. He's already created years of future problems, why not just end it all?

My fatigue, bitchiness, and bloating have been explained. I started my period a week early. Better early than late, eh? Today we are saying goodbye to one of our co-workers. I love this girl, she's a lot of fun and damn good at her job. It will be hard to replace her. Her husband got a job in Chicago, so off they go.

Beo escaped yesterday and took off like a freaking bullet. The only reason we caught him was because he tried to get into the Catholic girl's school down the block. Someone had propped open a door with a tuperware container. Bad dog, bad dog! Your owners are too out of shape to go chasing you like that! Gotta say, though, he didn't put up a fight when bed time came. We had to wake him up to put him in his crate.

Tomorrow is St. Patty's day and I have to figure out a way to get corn beef and cabbage without causing emotional damage to my husband. He can't stand the smell, so I can't cook any at home. Going to a traditional Irish restaurant tomorrow night would be just plain asking for it. Maybe our grocery store will have some. But then I'll have to go to the neighbor's to heat it up. Oy. My best friend's mother always cooks a big pot, maybe I'll just show up on her doorstep and beg for some. I don't usually eat corn beef and cabbage, but this year it's all that's on my mind.

Have a good day all.

Blah

I don't know what's wrong with me, I just don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to work, write, take a walk, or be awake. It's like I've accidentally taken a Don't Give A Shit pill or something. Maybe it's this weather.

For the Record

Just for the record, I have Ulcerative Colitis. I have had it for the last 10 years. It is not Crohn's, it is not IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) it is Ulcerative Colitis. You do not need to try and tell me what Colitis is. I'm the one who's experienced the pain, the blood, the sleepless nights, the wanting to die, and all the nasty, nasty side effects of having such a disease. I'm the one who has had 6, count them, 6 colonoscopies in the last 10 years. The novelty of a colonoscopy wore off a long time ago. I'm the one who has to answer 101 questions about my disease every time I visit a doctor, ANY doctor. I'm the one who lives with this each and every day, each time I eat or drink something new, and every time I get a pain in my abdomen.

Trust me, when someone says the word "colitis" I know very well what that is.

Read on... 

Story Time Boys and Girls

So last night Hubby and I are sitting in the living room watching TV. Beo is asleep on his bed and the cat is curled up on the couch. A stench of a thousand rotting corpses starts to fill the room. It's worse than rotten eggs, White Castle, and cheap beer. My eyes started to water and I found it hard to breathe.

"What's wrong, baby?" Hubby asks.
"Just wait," I gasp.

Sure enough, the green cloud of death finally reached his locale. "Good God! Was that you?"
"No. I think it was the dog."

We look at Beo, who is sleeping like a log. Hubby gets a candle and finds a lighter, but we're afraid to light it least we blow ourselves out of the house. There was enough methane in that room to send off a balloon. We were terrified of what might happen if we introduced an open flame into the equation, but the desire to breath was greater. We kissed each other and flicked the Bic.

Still alive, but those dog farts could peel the paint off our walls. This is soooooo our dog.

Back peddling

I read the stupidest thing recently. Some senator was criticizing the democrats for wanting to hold Bush accountable for his actions under the excuse that it could "weaken this country." Hello? Thousands of families are already weakened due to the loss of their loved one's dying in Iraq. Half this country voted for a moron and now half of those people have changed their minds. Gas prices are constantly rising ($2.29 today), we're being spied on by our own country, and the rest of the world thinks we're idiots or sadists. You think questioning our president is going to weaken this country? How much weaker can it get? Iraq isn't the only country on the verge of civil war.

Last night our cat sat outside the bedroom door and howled all night. He never got away with it before, why does he think he can get away with it now? Tonight we're going to lock his ass in the basement and see how he likes that. The dog and cat are not friends, but kitty feels more comfortable with him in the house. Last night we watched TV while two sets of animal snores accompanied it. Beo didn't bark when we put him in his cage last night, I think he's finally getting it that we won't take him back. We'll be there in the morning and we come home in the afternoon.

I gotta tell you, though, I am way out of shape. We played with his rope in the back yard and I was done after 20 minutes. He was just getting started. Oy.

A good nap after a rough day. 

Kitty - What the hell is that and when is it leaving?

Such a handsome guy! 

We Have a New Baby!

I'd like to introduce you to Beowoof. He is a three year old Boxer that was rescued from a meth lab. His previous "owners" didn't abuse him, they just neglected him. When he was rescued he was skin and bones and covered in mange, fleas, ticks, and mites. Because of it he's lost a lot of fur on his left side, we're hoping that will grow back. He is the SWEETEST dog. He doesn't bite, bark, jump (too much) or chew on anything he isn't supposed to.

He does have separation anxiety. We got him Sat. morning and for the rest of the day, if Honey and I were in separate rooms, he would continually walk back and forth between the two of us. He also hates being crated (and I hate putting him in a crate) but until he gets used to everything we have to put him in there. He knows how to sit...if you have a treat in your hand. We're looking into obedience school. He still has stitches from being fixed, but they don't seem to bother him.

He and the cat have an uneasy truce - if he doesn't go near kitty, kitty won't swipe at him. They're working it out. His tail is just a nub but it is in constant motion. When he gets really excited he shakes his whole butt. I just love this dog so much! My nephew came over yesterday and let Beo drag him all over the neighborhood. He may be on the thin side, but it's all muscle. I think I'm going to lose a few pounds just taking him for walks.

I now feel like we have a complete family. The cat will argue that point. I can't wait to get home just to be with him. We need to catch up on those three years he was without love.

Don't Shit Where You Eat

President Egghead's approval rating has dipped to an all time low. All together now - awwwwww. I guess when you tell lies all the time they are bound to gang up on you. I hope all you fuckers who put Egghead into office are happy with the way this country has gone to hell the last 6 years. You have no one to blame but yourselves. Egghead has run every company he's owned into the ground, why did you think this would be any different?

Hubby came home last night and the first words out of his mouth were, "I'm sorry I was so rude on the phone." How can you argue with that? How can you possibly stay mad at that? I love the fact that an argument between us can be solved in two sentences. The rest of the night was smooth sailing. I'm so lucky, have I said that before? I AM SO LUCKY! My home is a safe haven where I am surrounded by love and compassion. The cruel outside world just falls away when I walk through my front door. No matter what happens outside, I have a warm caccoon of happiness to retreat to. Ah, I love my husband.

The Road to Hell...

They say it's paved with good intentions. I believe it. Hubby has a rash on his face, the Doc said on Monday that it was mild and normal and gave him a prescription for a topical cream to put on it. Husband has not managed to go get it yet. He keeps forgetting. His face is not going to heal on it's own.

So I call him just now to remind him to go get the damn thing and what do I get? Nothing but a freaking attitude. He answers the phone, "Yeah?"
"Hey," I say.
"I'm kinda busy right now," rudely.

Well, fuck you, buddy, did it ever occur to you that I may have my own shit to handle but I stopped for a brief second to remind you of something that's important? Don't worry, it won't happen again. And when you finally do get that cream, I'm going to stick it up your ass.

I Told You So

When The Bachelor ended (yes, I got sucked in, so deal with it) I told my mom that I would be surprised if Mr. ER Doctor and his pick were still a couple now. I was right! I knew he picked the wrong girl. I wonder what happened to the ring?

So my sister calls me today. I work for a University that probably employs 16,000 people spread over four campuses in St. Louis. She works in the medical field. "I have a patient that works there and I need his number. You know him?" she asked. I find this hilarious. When she said "there" I'm thinking my own little department. Oh no, he's just part of the science community. Just so everyone knows, I do not go around all day visiting other departments. I actually have to stay in mine and work. I think I'll call her one day and say, "I met a guy named Fred who works in a hospital, you know him?"

Still no dog.

Still Alive, Barely

Last night I thought I was the shit. See, I can't have caffeine. It triggers my migraines. Yesterday I drank a whole 18 oz. bottle of tea that had caffeine in it. I could tell right away because my hands started shaking, my heart rate accelerated, and I wanted to clean my office from head to toe. So all day I waited for the big hurt to come. It never did.

I went to class, sure it would kick in there. It didn't. I drove home with visions of half and half coffee, eating more than one bite of chocolate, and so on. Then I woke up this morning and life smacked me full in the face. A five hundred pound man was sitting on my head. I had a whopper. So I took my medicine and lay there listening to my husband and his friends snore until I finally fell asleep.

I can't believe Christopher Reeve's wife died of cancer. She was only 44. How much heartache can one family take? Ugh, my heart goes out to that family.

DOG UPDATE: We went to the pound on Saturday and the dog we wanted to look at was gone. So we looked around and left within five minutes. I can't go back. I saw two dogs that I would have liked to get to know better, but Mr. Picky-butt wasn't having any of it. So I'm out of the picture. Honey can go find a dog without me. I just can't stand to look at all those cute little furry faces and walk away. They are by no means being mistreated, the Humane Society here is a facility that rivals a hospital, those dogs are well taken care of. I just want to take them all.

Outta Me Way

I am an aggressive driver. I know this. If I have to get from point A to point B I will try to do it as quickly as I can. I change lanes. I speed. I yell and scream at people in my way. On rare occasions I will drive like a law-abiding citizen. But mostly I'm hell on wheels.

My husband, on the other hand, is a wild card. Sometimes he will drive like a bat out of hell, but other times...POKEY! One time we were coming to a light. There were two lanes. One lane had one car in it, the other had eight. So he picks the long lane. What the fuck? That lane has one car, ONE. And he seems to form love affairs with lanes sometimes, refusing to switch lanes no matter how slow the cars in front of him are going and how clear the other lanes around him are.
This morning he was driving me to work and I swear he was doing it on purpose. We got stuck behind some slow bitch and he WOULD NOT go around her. Doe-de-do, we'll just poke along, it's not like I have to get to work ON TIME or anything.

This, THIS is what really messes me up. When I come to a situation where there is a stopped car or a long line in front of me, I will check my mirrors and get over so I can pass said problem without having to slow down or stop. Not hubby! Oh no, he'll keep on going until he has to stop, then he'll check mirrors and see if he can get over. By this time the cars who drive like me are whizzing by and he has to wait until the damn lane is clear, clear, clear. Arg!

Yet if there is a fine film of water on the road he suddenly becomes a race car diver. Snow? Even faster. It's a crap shoot. With me you know I'm crazy. With him it's take what you get.