Now I know...

...why Vampires only drink. Try eating soup from an extra wide soup spoon, with fangs, with dignity. Add to the problem by trying to drink out of one of those big, fat straws. I'm going to start a new diet and have these things implanted for real. I should lose twenty pounds in a month.

My lovely living room

When I returned from my cruise, my husband surprised me with a whole new living room. He painted, got new furniture, hung shelves, photos, and paintings, and gave me a bookshelf. I was so surprised that I couldn't speak coherently for at least twenty minutes.

So here it is, my new living room. We've replaced the hideous rose pattern couch with a much better one. We went to a nice place for our anniversary called The Melting Pot. It was very interesting, the chocolate fondue was good enough to kill for. Tonight I get to go trick or treating with B-Butt, Yipee!

Again, ignore the ugly couch. 

Hubby built this with his two little hands. 

Ignore the couch, it's gone now. 

My new Living Room 

Well, duh!

My best friend calls me yesterday and she's very excited. She's just gotten a promotion (long overdue) and found out her new salary. She tells me the $$ amount. I say "Wow! Holy shit, really? That's great."

On the inside.

But for some reason my brain waves ran out halfway to my tongue and all that came out was, "That's it?"

Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt, her balloon deflated. Why did I do that? She's making more money than I am and I'm extremely happy for her, what's with the sarcastic crap? And there is no recovery from that, I missed my moment and then I had to back-peddle. Aarg.

Unlike men, a woman can tell her friend that she is making a lot of money and said friend will not have to whip out her dick and slap it down on the table. This means that we can do more stuff together now. She won't have that stress of having to choose between going out and having a good time and,oh, paying the electric bill. I'm so happy for her.

It's not the burning, it's the itching.

My jellyfish stings are acting up again. The red marks were practically gone yesterday but during the night they all came back in a bright shade of angry red and ITCH! What's going on?

Luckily, I work with a bunch of chemists. I now know more about jellyfish poison than I ever wanted. Seems the poison has to go out the same way it went in, through the skin. Anything under the sun can irritate these suckers until they wear themselves out.

Let me tell you how I met with such an unfortunate event. My mom and I signed up for a tour in the Bahama's called The Treasure Hunt. A family owns this private island out in the middle of the ocean just off Paradise Island. They cultivate conch and oysters. Once they remove the conch from the shell, they throw the shells back in and let tourists go hunting for them. They also have oysters out there just waiting to give up a big, fat pearl.

My mom was not the swimmer she thought she was. With the flippers falling off and her mask coming lose, she got out of the water about as fast as she went in. Me, I love to swim, so I took off in search of my treasure. I found two conch shells and brought them up, but I wanted a pearl. The reef we were swimming around was amazing. All kind of fish and colors, I was happy just looking around much less finding anything. At one point I looked over and saw a tiny little white jellyfish close by.

Now, my husband got stung a few years back by a baby jellyfish and it hurt like hell. So I slowly made my way around the jelly and continued my search. I found a lot of empty oyster shells but none with a pearl. I came back up from one dive to find myself surrounded by little white clouds. Then they attacked.

If you want to know what it feels like to get stung, go get a lighter, flick it on, and hold it close to your skin. Don't move it, even when your skin starts to fall off. So there I am, flopping about in the water, trying to get up a set of steps in two huge flippers and a strong current, with my flesh on fire all around me.

I got stung on my right calf, hip, wrist, bicept, and back. Of'course, the first aid building was all the way on the other side of the island. They use alcohol to kill the stingers. Ever rubbed pure alcohol into a wound? Feels nice, no? Then they slathered me with anti-itch cream and told me to go back and finish my swim.

Yeah, that happened.

Thankfully, an open bar came with the price of the hunt. I ate a burger (sooooo good), slammed down glass after glass of Paradise Punch, and waited for the boat to come back and take us to the ship. I didn't have any problems with the stings after about 45 minutes. Until last night. I think having to experience the pain of a sting twice is very unfair. I have my tube of Hydrocortisone I got from the ship's infirmary in my back pocket.

At least I got sympathy kisses on my boo-boos from my husband.

(Spell check is taking a day off.)

Helllllloooooo!

I'm baaaack! Miss me?

I had the most fabulous time on my cruise. What I've learned:

You can eat salmon eight different ways before you get tired of it.
Getting stung by jellyfish really, really hurts.
Spending money with your Sign & Sail card is really, really easy.
Making a fool out of yourself is much better when you are surrounded by people who don't know you.

What I've always suspected but now know to be true:

I'm smarter than a lot of people.
My patience does have a limit, and it's short.
Being alone has it's advantages.

The food was great, the service was outstanding. The shows were all right. I wasn't a big fan of the Country show. We played lots of games, my mother won $600 playing Bingo.

I did not.

The cabin we had was really nice. Being rocked on a cruise ship is the best sleep anyone can ask for. Sitting on deck with a glass of wine watching the sea sponges pass by was such a calming moment for me. Talk about feeling small, be on a boat where there is no land in sight in any direction. Key West was H-O-T, the Bahamas were very colorful. We were the last boat allowed to dock in both ports because of Wilma. We barely got any rain, we were lucky.

I came back home to find my husband had pulled a "While You Were Out" on me. I have a completely new living room. The walls were painted, there was new furniture, and my husband had built this huge shelving unit to house the TV. I'm so impressed. I actually want to invite people over now.

It's been hard getting back to work. I want my breakfast buffet and big fluffy robe. I want to be catered to all day. I want a nap. I have a lot of photo's and a big, fat conch shell to remind me of this trip. Once I find the cable that connects my camera to a computer I'll share.

Back to the grind...where is Mladen?

Barbarian is taking a Barbaribreak

So long, y'all, I'm off to my cruise. Wish me luck on not bursting into flames in the Bahama sun.

I read a survey today that American's are becoming ruder. Eh, becoming? Whoever took that survey hasn't been outside in about, oh, 10 years.

I love my husband. He is the reason I live. I am going to miss him so much when I am gone.

I think I've done all I need to do at work.....if not, TOUGH!

Take care.

Get a Clue

So last night I had class. It was fun. I got home a little later than usual and my husband was at his usual position in front of his computer. We watched The Amazing Race (taped) and then he goes back to his games. I'm alone for the rest of the night until I go to bed. Husband decides to go to bed, too. The lights are out. I'm snuggled in. Then he says, "Are you getting excited about your cruise?"

Oh. I. Don't. Think. So.

If you want to talk to me, if you want to have a conversation, turn off your goddamned game and talk to me. Actually get off your chair, say good-bye to a bunch of guys you've never even met, and spend some time with the warm body sharing your house. Don't talk to me at the very end of the day when you've done all the things you want to do.

Then I get to work today and they've blocked off half the parking garage for some special event at the business school. I want my money back, bitches. I pay to park in that garage and on the days that I can't, I want some compensation. It's a very good thing I don't own a pen knife or a lot of people would be changing tires later this evening. In fact, I'm putting it on my Christmas list.

6 more days and I can't wait.

Therapy

Therapy can be over rated. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but the one time in my life when I found myself in a group therapy session, I realized very quickly that the ladies in that group were feeding each other's fear and anger. If someone walked into that room feeling pretty good about themselves and their future, they would leave afraid to walk to their car alone. What good was that? Where was the "help" these sessions were supposed to give? Instead, these ladies gave each other new excuses to continue their old behavior.

I left and never returned. I am better off for it. True, the next seven years of my life were the worst I have every experienced, but salvation is not found by walking the easy path. I just needed to find the right person to help me grow and change, and I did. Then I married him.

If you are in therapy and find yourself feeling worse after a session, you need to find another group. Needy, greedy people have a tendency to hang out in therapy. They need the attention and they really don't give a crap about anything but that. The "Gimme" person. Gimme's do not belong in therapy, but it seems that's where they breed. They get jealous when someone else is "upping" them, then they do what they can to tear that person apart. They view group session as their very own stage with a captive audience. I refuse to stick around and watch the show.

I don't want you to think I am poo-pooing group therapy as a whole. I'm not, some people find it very helpful. But just like everything else, it really depends on who you have in your group. You need a strong leader who can keep the group focused and calm people down when things get hot. An IMPARTIAL leader who has preferably had training. The people in your group need to listen as well as they talk. They need to be open-minded and courteous. Conflicts will arise, but how those conflicts are handled is so important. If you have a shitty group, your getting shitty therapy.

My issue, the one that I went to the group for, was solved by me. I didn't know it so well then, but I am a strong person with a solid sense of what I can and can't control. I don't feel guilty for things that happen to me. I don't have to have someone to blame when things go wrong. I can take a bad experience, chew on it for a while, then spit it out and go on with my life. If I had been able to communicate this to the group so long ago, they probably would have tarred and feathered me.

Monday, Monday

Oooo-wee, did we have a good time Friday night. I forgot the cable that attaches my camera to my computer, so I'll have some pictures for you tomorrow. We went to the Hustler Club and I have to say, the caliber of stripper has gone up in Missouri. There were girls doing things with the pole there that made me feel like I was watching Sirque de sole. One girl in particular was so good I forgot all together that she was naked. How much practice do you need before you can do that without hitting your head on the stage?

One girl in particular took a liking to me, her name was "Paris." She was very, very soft. Turns out she uses the WalMart brand of skin lotion. Who knew? Anyway, she complimented me on my boobs and proceeded to touch them all night. I even got a private dance in the back room. Those back rooms are overrated. They are all black with either a chair or a bed, and each room is very small. Seeing as you only get one dance for your money, it's a bit of a waste. But it was nice to laugh and giggle with my best friend through Paris' performance.

At the Hustler Club, the girls get down to nothing pretty quick. Yep, naked. Now, I don't mind the female body, but there are certain parts I would just as well not see. Y'know, up close. Most of the girls were pretty good about sticking to the guys when they did their thing, but I look over at Alissa and she's looking at me with the "What's this in my face?"expression. Why, that would be a big ol' crotch.

I think our other friends, P and S, were a bit taken aback. They really haven't had a chance to see me when I'm not riding a bike or at a work function. I don't act much differently, but there aren't boobies involved. Overall, we had a great time. The ride home and shower before bed are a bit fuzzy, and I did wake up with a slight headache.

Oh, I didn't tell you about the nasty girl. Seems every club has one of these, a throw back from the old days when girls didn't have to be good looking, they just had to have boobs. She was build like a barrel to begin with, with big boobs that pointed east and west. The three of us girls, me, S, and Alissa, all decided to hit the bathroom before leaving. The middle stall was full, so Alissa takes the one on the right and I take the one on the left. We're done and washing our hands when the middle stall opens. Out comes the barrel with her panties around her ankles. She walks right up to the mirror that we're standing by, bends over, turns around, and proceeds to wipe her butt in the mirror. She throws away the tissue, pulls up the drawers, then leaves. Yep, no washing of the hands... and I know exactly where those hands have been. Good thing I was too tipsy to really focus or I'd have nightmares.

Thanks, everyone, for making my birthday one of the best.

8 days.

Enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?

It's been a good day! I received some beautiful flowers from my sister-in-laws (the twins), cards from my co-workers, and lovin' from my husband. My sister stopped by and gave me two cute shirts. I've been taking pictures of things all day. Bonus: at 3pm I get cake! Yeah, this has been the best birthday.

Tonight we're going to Larry Flint's Hustler Club. Stripper's, baby! Me, hubby, my best friend Alissa and two other couples. Alissa and I went there during our Wonder Woman's Weekend and had a blast. I'm wearing the full length leather coat I bought in Vegas and I am going to be HOT!

There will, of'course, be pictures.

11 days.

Crap in the News

Oh, Jeez, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a baby. Now that's all we're going to hear about for the next 12 years. I guess that baby being the spawn of Satan will also garner some interesting news. Baby's first pointed tooth, baby's first steps, baby's first Scientology virgin sacrifice...

Did you see this? A python ate a 6-foot alligator...and then it exploded.

People in or near St. Louis have lost their freaking minds. There is a 17 year old boy who raped and killed a classmate because "he didn't want to die alone." Funny thing, though, when it came to his death, he chickened out. Sometimes, we can't execute people fast enough. Then, this morning I heard about four bodies found in Belleville, IL. Three adults and a 19 week old baby. Now, when someone kills a baby, it's personal. There's a person with a grudge right there. They've arrested an ex-boyfriend of one of the girls. That explains it.

In cheerier news, tomorrow's my birthday! Last night I got home from work and locked myself in our spare room to type. I do this every Monday and Wednesday for two hours. That way I know I will write for at least 4 hours every week, more if time permits. Can't publish anything if you don't write it, y'know? So anyway, I come out of the spare in time to eat dinner. My mom calls and asks if I got anything in the mail that day.
"No."
"No? What do you mean, no?"
"No, I--"
At this point, my husband taps me on the shoulder and points to a box the size of a big screen TV shoved in a corner. "Oh, wait, I did get something today."
I open the box and buried in 3,728 foam peanuts is a camera. A digital camera. Also included is a memory card. YIPEE!! My very own camera. I don't have to worry about losing my husbands or trying to figure out how his works anymore. I played with it a little last night, but the battery was barely charged. So I brought it to work with me today. Not that there is anything here I need a picture of, but I have a new toy and I'm going to play with it, damnit.

I was very touched that my mom got me a camera. She knows now how important pictures are to me and to give me a gift like this was very special. Last night I was a little preoccupied and didn't get a chance to thank my mom properly. So, here you go, mom, a personal thank you across the internet for giving me such a wonderful present. I love you, oh, and 12 DAYS!!

I take care of several classes at my job and part of that job is copying exams. Today we have our first organic exam. Now, there are about 300+ students in this class. The professor teaching it this semester always makes an exam at least 12 pages long. So 300 x 12 = 3,600 pages. Our copier spits out about 24 pages a minute, so 3,600/24 = 150 minutes, that's 2 and a half hours 9barring any jams). I get off at 4:30 and he will probably get the exam to me at 3pm. Never fails. I don't get overtime. Aarg.

Legal Papers and a Mother's Love

We all know what it's like to feel like a fool in front of our family. Whether it's over something stupid, like who was going to win that Patriots-Chiefs game, or something more serious, like not liking your sister's boyfriend and then finding out he's the best thing for her. Whatever the reason, we've all come crawling back to the home base with a boot up our butts or a plate full of hot, steaming crow waiting for us.

Now let me tell you a little story about Max, his mother, his kid, his ex-wife, and his current girlfriend. Max is in the middle of a court case with his ex-wife over their daughter. Mommy is taking the side of the ex-wife. Max doesn't like that. So Max and the current girlfriend decided to make life really hard for his mom by getting a restraining order against her.

He figured if she couldn't come within 300 feet of him, she couldn't testify in court.

So this ignoramus goes to court, with the urging of his current, to explain why his mother is such a dangerous person. The judge takes one look at the evidence and throws the case out, giving Max a tongue lashing to end all tongue lashings. Unbenownst to Max, appearing like an asshole in one court can effect your outcome in another. Now he has no chance of winning his case against the ex-wife.

Max's life is only getting worse. Current is about to dump him, she's his boss so he'll also lose his job, he'll be slapped with child support payments, and being the sniffling weasel he is (totally incapable of doing anything for himself except making excuses), he'll try to run home to mommy.
There's the rub. If he even tries it, he'll get a swift kick square in the balls. Burned your bridges, Max. Deal with it.

Having a Better Day Today

I know you all are just tickled pink to hear it. So I've been reading about this new Supreme Court nominee Bush is touting and how the conservatives are going all ape shit about her.

Um, if the conservatives don't like her, doesn't that mean we should? I mean, all the other people Bush picked that the conservatives loved have ended up being criminals or nincompoops.

At work late yesterday I get a bill from a local hotel for someone I have never met. But there's my name right under the "Bill to:" line. Who is this person? Why is my name on the bill? I emailed all the professors around here and no one seems to know who he is. I'm not getting stuck with this charge. Now I have to call the hotel and see if there has been an error made. I used to work at a hotel, I know how crabby hotel workers get when you question them. Unless they have video tape, I'm not going to get anywhere, but I have to try. Oh, I'll find you, Mr. D.R., and your little dog, too.

13 days till my cruuuuu-u-uise. Holy shit, 13 days! I have to start packing. You know, as a woman, that I will end up taking every article of clothing that I own. Plus, I'll have to have a bag to hold all the stuff I plan on buying in the Bahamas. I need to get busy...

Ahem, well...we all have bad days.

I haven't quit my blog, I've just had a bad day. You know how you'll think things are going one way and then something, one little thing, happens and you realize you were just fooling yourself? That no matter what you do or how you act some people will never accept you for who you are?

Yeah, it's been one of those days.

Barbarian Out

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Have a great day.

A Barbarian goes to the Movies

A History of Violence - Drama

If you are a fan of the Rock or Ah-nold movies, you probably won't like this movie. Instead of relying on millions of dollars of special effects or the exploding man/car/building scenarios to entertain you, this movie sticks to reality and the intricacies of human emotion. Viggo Mortensen (wait, just let me have this quick fantasy...okay) plays a man with a past that comes back to bite him on his scrumptious ass. There is a great performance given by the boy who plays his son, but I don't know his name and I'm too lazy to look it up. I was very happy to spend money to see this movie in a theater. Ed Harris was creepy in his bad guy role. The wife, again, not looking it up, did very well in being both vulnerable and a bitch. As a woman, I know how hard it is to pull that off.
Unless you have ADD, I'd recommend you check this movie out.


Serenity - Space Fantasy

My husband and I are big fans of the TV series, Firefly, that spawned this movie. As such, I felt a close connection with the characters, probably a lot closer than anyone seeing the movie cold. As such, I bawled my fucking eyes out when one of the characters died. Oh, I'm not ruining anything - there are nine central characters and a lot of secondary characters, guess! I'm not telling which one buys the farm, but it was sad and I hated it.

Anyway, the writing of the TV show was as tight as a virgin's honey-pie. Even more so for the movie. I can't imagine any other actor playing ANY of these parts without messing up the dynamics of the cast. Each person is perfect in their role, balancing the right amount of drama and comedy to keep the audience on their toes. It's not a very long movie, but it doesn't need to be. A story is told, and ending is reached, and enough is left to your imagination that you'll be thinking about those characters once the credits have run. I enjoyed it so much that I'd see it again, and that is the highest compliment I can pay a movie. (I hate sitting in a dark room for two hours with chatty people only slightly less than spending money on a movie when I can catch it later on HBO.)

Please understand, you can watch this movie without having watched the TV show and still be entertained. The writer/director did a great job of including just enough back story to explain the plot. This isn't the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy here, it's just a nice little space adventure with some damn fine acting.