This is It

This will be my last post for a while. I have some Christmas celebrating to do. I hope every one has a great holiday and enjoys themselves immensely.

My gift to you.

Hey

I don't have anything to write, so I'll tell you a joke.

A nun walks into the office of her Mother Superior and says, "Bless me, mother, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked Mother Superior.
"I cursed," replied the nun.
"Why?" asked Mother Superior.
"Well, Sister Randolph and I went golfing this morning. We were on the 9th tee and all I had to do was sink the ball in order to win. But when I hit the ball, it flew into the air and smacked a seagull."
"Oh no, is that why you cursed?"
"No, because then the ball dropped right into the middle of the pond."
"Oh, so that's why?"
"No, because at that moment an alligator rose from the pond with my ball balanced right on it's nose."
"Amazing. Is that why?"
"No, he came ashore and gobbled up the dead seagull, landing my ball within a few feet of the hole."
"So why did you curse?" Mother Superior asked.
The nun said nothing but stood looking at the floor.
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Good Things

I've been talking about a lot of negative things lately and I'm not all that much of a negative person. So let me share some good things I've learned over the years in regards to Christmas.

It's not about the presents. Christmas doesn't come wrapped in a bow. It's in the laughter you share, the memories you make, the way you enjoy the day. Because when it's over, the presents sit alone and empty under the tree and Christmas has gone. Don't be in such a hurry to get the whole day over with. Time is something we'll never have enough of, so don't rush it.

Doing things for and giving to other people is a lot more enjoyable if you don't expect things in return. Every year for the last six years I have left an anonymous present for someone, somewhere. The joy of seeing them get this unexpected gift is enough for me. Spreading happiness is what this season is all about. A little intrigue makes things better, I think. Not expecting anything in return makes those gifts I do receive even sweeter.

Christmas is not Festivus, there should be no airing of grievances. Christmas is not the time to drag out the dead horses in your family and start beating them all over again. This is the celebration of the end of a year, the beginning of another. Time to slough off the cobwebs of the past and start fresh.

Getting angry at shoppers only ruins your own day. Traffic will always be heavy, so don't sweat it. People can be friendlier at this time, but don't expect it. Phone calls can be just as good as a presents, sometimes more so. Forgive children their impatience, Christmas as a child only lasts a few years. Screw the carbs and calories, this is a celebration! Drinking too much is allowed, just don't drive. Work should be left at home. Things will go wrong. Plans will collapse. Roll with the punches and these mishaps will be less painful and stressful.

Most important of all, this is the time to cherish those you love. There's been a whole year of too-busy, too-broke, too-far-away. Lavish your loved ones. Tell them those things you never say, show them those things you never do. For one day they will be gone and all you'll have left is the memories.

Merry Christmas everyone.

John Wayne You scored 33% Tough, 19% Roguish, 19% Friendly, and 28% Charming!

You, my friend, are a man's man, the original true grit, one tough talking, swaggering son of a bitch. You're not a bad guy, on the contrary, you're the ultimate good guy, but you're one tough character, rough and tumble, ready for anything. You call the shots and go your own way, and if some screwy dame is willing to accept your terms, that's just fine by you. Otherwise, you'll just hit the open trail and stay true to yourself. You stand up for what you believe and can handle any situation, usually by rushing into the thick of the action. You're not polished and you're not overly warm, but you're a straight shooter and a real stand up guy. Co-stars include Lauren Bacall and Maureen O'Hara, tough broads who can take care of themselves. Find out what kind of classic dame you'd make by taking the Classic Dames Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 64% on Tough You scored higher than 55% on Roguish You scored higher than 27% on Friendly You scored higher than 51% on Charming

Link: The Classic Leading Man Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Best Part of Christmas

We received two cards from friends that contained pictures. I love this part of Christmas. M & M sent us a picture of them at Disney World. You guys look so adorable in your matching shirts, and we just loved the pirate head gear in picture #2. You're both too cute for words and we can't wait to see you again. With money and our luck, that should be Spring 2008, I think.

The second card was from my old boss, S, and contained photo's of them with their little girl, McA. McA is so damn cute, D will be beating guys with a stick to get them away from her in about 12 years. I miss my old boss and her family, S was one of the smartest and evilest women I ever met. We worked together in Savannah and when I moved, well, you know. Distance and a new baby made our conversations fewer and fewer. But I still love her! I learned most of the things I needed to learn in business from her. Evil, evil things. God Bless You, S!

I need to pay more attention to my communications. I let time slip by all to quickly. Maybe if I get to my Christmas cards now, I can mail them out next year.

Bah Humbug!

Two conversations happened this weekend:

Hubby: "What are you planning on having when your parents are in town?"

Me: "Oh, I thought about having an artichoke dip, maybe a crab dip, some finger foods and eggnog, plus maybe a dessert."

Hubby: "What? I thought we'd have one dip and maybe something else. We're not feeding the whole neighborhood. Why do you have to have so much?"

Me: "Because, Scrooge, this is MY Christmas, too, and I'm not going to be cheap. We'll already have one crab-ass bastard in the house, why do I have to be Mrs. crab-ass bastard?"

The other conversation went a bit like this:

Mom: "I hope you're not planning your vacation time around us. If you guys are going someplace else for New Year's, don't stay on our account. Go ahead and do what you want, you don't have to plan your vacation around when we'll be in town."

Me: "Actually, the thought never crossed my mind."

Mom: "Oh."

Let me get something straight - ever since I was abandoned six years ago like an unwanted step-child, my Christmas plans have revolved around no one but myself. I'm going to do what I want and screw everyone else. Since my husband has always made Christmas unbearable with his constant nagging and bitching, I don't really include him in my plans, either. I've learned that the only way I am going to enjoy this certain holiday is to ignore everyone else and take pleasure in what I do.

So plan on that.

Eyes....Burning....

The light directly over the door to my office burned out a couple of days ago. Last night, while I was warm in my bed, someone finally replaced it. This morning I was introduced to the light I like to call the Sunburst 6000.

I have to approach my door with my sunglasses on. I can already feel a burn coming on from my 5 second exposure. My keys began to heat up as I was unlocking my door. A fine sheen of sweat pops out every time I have to leave. If I had a magnifying glass I could burn down this building. Oh sure, everyone else has their soft-glow mellow yellow lights, I get the condensed version of an atomic bomb.

Can't say our maintenance guys are slackers, no sir.

I have been extremely busy at work. I'm not trying to brag, but I have a pretty important job. While that looks good on a resume and pays me the little bucks, it also wears me out. Last night, after a particularly grueling day, I went out to my car to find my tire f-l-a-t. Again. This time I had to change it. I called my husband, who works close, but with the stupid drivers we have in St. Louis, he showed up just as I was putting everything away. I HATE changing tires. So now I have my anemic donut tire doing double duty until this weekend.

Tomorrow is our work Christmas party. That's right, CHRISTMAS. Anyway, we give gifts and every year I have given a gag gift. And every year, the one person who would not get the gag has chosen my gift. This year I bought a shot glass tic-tac-tow. With all the alcoholics I work with, one of them is bound to pick my gift.

Ta.

Today's Theme - ASS

I feel flatter than a penny left on the train tracks. I am so tired, even though I slept just fine last night. I have been climbing stairs all day, now I do it at the pace of a prisoner making his way to the gas chamber.

Things I have wanted to write about but have no energy...let me sum up....

I'm glad Tookie is dead. A founder of the Crips, (who are STILL an angry, murdering mob,) who killed four people didn't deserve clemency. He started a world of violence we will never be rid of and took four lives. No amount of children's books can erase that big, fat black mark.

George Bush is an ship sinking fast. No amount of back peddling will save his sad, sorry ass.

Christmas is based on the birth of Christ. It IS a religious holiday, so take your "Happy Holidays" and "Season Greetings" and stuff them up your tight, closed-minded ass.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

You four two-faced bitches who made me sit in a crowded restaurant for forty minutes without bothering to show up can kiss my ass. I hope you all fail miserably in all you do and never, ever find happiness with the opposite sex. May your ass be infested with fleas and your arms to short to scratch...

Finally, to all the assholes I work with. Let me get one thing straight - I emailed it to you three times, I put it in your box, and I even left you a voice mail about it. It's not my fault that you're a socially stunted asshole who can't read. I take no responsibility for your shortcomings.

Have a great day, everyone!

*moan*

If I was barefoot and carried a two-ton cross up a steep hill made of broken glass and molases, with an angry mob of critics following behind me hurling rocks and Chinese throwing stars, all the while having to convince a credit card company that the check's in the mail, today could not have been more grueling and painful.

Tomorrow doesn't look hopeful, either.

Okay, now I just don't know what the hell is going on...

The construction workers have rigged a jet's engine to the top of the building and turn it on high about every five minutes. Through this engine they throw chunks of concrete and live animals. The resulting carnage clangs its way down a metal tube situated in the middle of the building. Tiny shards of metal are then shot through a cannon into the building next door about every hour. At least, that's what it sounds like. There is no possible reason why construction should sound like this. These men must be conducting an experiment to see how much noise it takes before people start killing each other.

It's 9 degrees, but that didn't stop every idiot in the state from driving around this morning. Here's a tip: if the road is clear, there is no logical reason to drive down the middle of a two lane road. Both sides are clear, pick one!! And don't be surprised when a big, blue car being driven by a grimacing little white girl swerves into you and nearly knocks you into oncoming traffic, you asked for it! How's it feel, huh? You like being crowded like that? The entire city of St. Louis must be populated by southerners who have never seen snow EVER. "White stuff, oh my God, it's on the road, it's falling out of the sky, it's everywhere. Run away, run away!!

Dipshits.

Then, THEN my husband stays home for the second day in a row. Oh, I know he's not that sick. He just didn't want to go out in the 9 degrees and scrape off his car. Yeah, well, I would have liked to stay in bed, too, you know. It's nice and toasty, but I got my big ass out of bed, didn't I? If he calls me with his "I'm so sick I can barely whisper but I have plenty of voice left to moan all night" voice, I'm throwing him out of the house. Without a coat. Maybe even without socks.

Grrrrrrrrr.

Can You Hear That?

Once again there is major construction going on right next to where I work. I don't know what they are doing but it sounds like they threw a cement truck full of rabid cats into an industrial sized dryer and turned it on high. Oh, with a few workers inside, too. If I hear one more "Ho!" I'm going to start torching things. My eye is twitching, can you see that? I can't even drown out the noise with my iPod. Maybe I could just blow out my ear drums and be done with it.

My only consolation is the fact it's 23 outside. Freeze, you snot spitting, ass-cracked "Ho" yelling bastards, freeze! That's it! Where's a hose, I'm going on a water rampage the likes of which have never been seen....

I Killed Last Night!

No, that confession does not make you an accessory after the fact, I'm talking about my last drama class. We had to give all three of our monologues to our professor and a friend she brought (a director of some plays here in St. Louis). I was nervous about that but I think I did a pretty good job. Afterwards there weren't too many comments coming my way.

The part where I killed was in giving monologues to my class mates. My professor and I worked out a deal: I would write monologues for my classmates and go to one audition instead of going to three auditions like every one else. Last night, after weeks of slaving and editing and worrying, I handed all four their pieces. They loved them, couldn't believe I had done it. As a bonus, my professor had them read their parts out loud. It was the best feeling to hear my words coming out of their mouths. Amazing, that's all I can say.

She even had Kevin read his over again because she loved the rhythm! Yee-ha! What a kick.

Sadly, the class is now over. I will miss my classmates and my professor, it was like spending time with family. I plan on keeping in contact with all of them. I have a crush on beautiful Natalia and grew to love Kevin's corny jokes. Stefanie was the most talented of us all, and Neil was ridiculously funny without even trying.

Back to reality - working in a place where no one cares that I'm amazing. Oh well.

It's A _______!

I am very happy to report that the Barbarian family is growing bigger. I have the distinct honor of becoming an Aunt again in about 8 1/2 months. My sister is pregnant. For right now B-Butt seems happy about it, but oh, is his little world going to change.

I hope it's a girl. I was Christmas shopping last weekend and there are sooo many cute things out there for girls. Why didn't they have half of that crap when I was growing up? Oh, wait, I wouldn't have worn it anyway....no matter, I still hope it's a girl. The only bad thing about this is that my sister will be very pregnant during the summer months and thus, all of us will be miserable.

This is a blessing on more than one level. Three years ago on Christmas Eve the son of my sister's fiance died in an auto crash. He was 9. It has been a very hard road for poor M since his son died, the prospect of having another child is a welcome event. Not that he treats B-Butt like anything but his own child! He's my nephew's Daddy through and through. But having another voice in the house again will help in the healing. Even if that voice starts crying at 3am.....

So that's my good news for the day. Take care, all.

Just Leave Me Alone and Let Me Do My JOB!

It is amazing how much time I spend trying to clean up the mess others make by sticking their nose in my business. Me and a co-worker had been doing just fine with our project until not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR men decided they needed to help us poor females out. Here it is, sixteen hours later, and we're right back where we started. Only now we've erected a six foot cage of razor wire with a landmine chaser around our area.

You're right, I don't have a Ph.D.
Right again, I am working for a English degree and not a degree in chemistry.
But seeing as this was an administrative task and you don't know shit about being an administrator, I'm all over you, Bud. I can forgive you for being a man, men are problem solvers (even if it isn't their problem), but being stupid is totally your fault.